My Lamentation
I have sinned yet again, and thankfully God keeps catching me. I email and text--not often--but when I do, I send what I ought not, and that which is terribly detracting and awful especially to people I really love, but over aspects that have horribly upset me and of which I obviously have not gotten over. Things and aspects that cling to me for a long time--that which is not my business nor even Christian of me.
I am a cruel and hateful human being. I am shown this reality in ways I cannot begin to even describe, yet it is factual and caused yet again great harm to someone not at all deserving of my vileness. I cannot even blame the devil.
Part of the issue is my pain confusion--and it is a good thing to show me in my tech errors and thus bring such cruelty and hurtfulness to people I do not at all mean to hurt. Yet I do, and so I wonder if indeed, within me, if there is such bad habit and flawed character that I do more harm than ever I intend nor want. So why do I continue, and the good God catches me in it--and how many times has He tried to correct me, show me my ugliness? It is far worse than St. Paul's saying he does the bad what he does not want to do, and the good he does not do as he ought.
At times, such as what I did today and the Lord caught me in a way that even my horribleness I don't trust myself to be able to change. I seriously wonder if I am even capable of forgiveness by God and definitely do not deserve those I so hurt, to ever forgive me. I don't think they should. I offend God Himself. And what a terrible example of a Christian, a Catholic, a hermit I am in these times of deprivation of letting my thoughts and upsets over what is not mine to even think about and especially not to comment on!
In this regard, truly, hermit life is appropriate for such as my sinful self, so that I need to be kept even more in God's solitary confinement to learn, if learning for me is even possible in this world. How could I hurt someone I care for so very much? I myself have no words for what I do, what I did, and it is not the first time that the Lord has turned it back on me to--I suppose, try to save my soul by catching me and shoving my ugliness into my own face and reality!
I'm going to stop the bit of email and bit of texting. Remove contacts so as not to be tempted to do wrong to others. As for my own thoughts, the pain thankfully and mercifully more keeps me from being able to be out of bed. I thank God for the suffering, as that is the only aspect that will work to correct my flaws to spare me from hell. I will be fortunate to spend eternity in purgation.
Perhaps it takes that much extreme to correct my flawed and sinful self. I thank God for even at this most grievous time for someone else, that I wrote and confused in my upset, to whom I sent yet another blast of my upset over a situation that is not even extant. I can't express enough my disappointment with my sinfulness! And I seem irredeemable. All I can do is turn all the more to the Lord in my pathetic mind, heart, and soul with all the flaws and ugliness of self, my own hypocrisy of all that I despise in others but have all the more in myself.
Perhaps I need to be the one to only communicate with the few others I communicate with, by sending quotes of Scriptures and holy persons, such as what I had hitherto been uplifted today, by St. Julian of Norwich's divine revelations in her reclusion. That is perhaps something I ought pray about, for I ask the Lord why it is that I keep doing such terrible hurtfulness to those I love? At least it reveals, and the Lord shows them to me in the most horrible of circumstances of my shamefulness and sin, my wretchedness. Perhaps I need to detach from writing and turn to prayer alone, or of only writing the good words of truly good and holy people.
I have no words of any good of myself, that is for sure. I know of no other time in which I have done such wrong and been so despicable. I do not deserve forgiveness, for I am incorrigible of any of my own volition. I have no good in my most weak and pathetic human, sinful will. Don't think that I am exaggerating or coming down too hard on myself. I am not hard enough for my flawed character and ugliness of thoughts and words, of criticizing and not getting over the situations of others, of which they cannot even help of themselves. There are not words enough to excoriate myself.
I have never been so disappointed in myself as now, and it is all quite deserved and true. Only God could tolerate a sinner as I am, and there is no good in me other than what God might instill in my cruelness of personhood.
I can only turn to Scripture and to saints for words and thoughts worth writing or uttering. Pray for me, please, that I can be spared the worst of condemnation by the Lord, for I deserve all that I have coming to me, and then some. What category is greater than full shame of one's total self? Whatever that is, I am of that. Seriously, this is no exaggeration, my reckoning before God.
My only hope is to refrain from my very self, to repose in my cell, in my room and bed, and beg the Lord to teach me in solitude, in solitary confinement. There seems no other way before me but full immersion and penitence, for real, not just in word and thought. I need this turning point if there is any hope for me. God and I know. I cannot even consider myself Christian or Catholic, I am so disgusted within my very soul. For now it is "hermit" and of that, no account.
"On one occasion the good Lord said: 'All shall be well.' On another: 'You will see for yourself that all shall be well.' In these two sayings the soul discerns...that not only does He care for great and noble things, but equally for little and small, lowly and simple things as well. This is His meaning: 'All shall be well.'
"We are to know that the least thing will not be forgotten. Another is this: we see deeds done that are so evil, and injuries inflicted that are so great, that it seems to us quite impossible that any good can come of them.
"As we consider these, sorrowfully and mournfully, we cannot relax in the blessed contemplation of God as we ought. This is caused by the fact that our reason is now so blind, base, and ignorant that we are unable to know that supreme and marvelous goodness which belong to the blessed Trinity....It is as if He were saying: 'Be careful now to believe and trust, and in the end you will see it all in its fullness and joy....'
"There still remains a deed which the blessed Trinity will do at the last Day--at least so I see it--yet when and how it will be done is unknown to all God's creatures under Christ, and will remain so until it takes place. The reason why He wants us to know about this deed is that He would have us more at ease in our minds and more at peace in our love, and not be concerned with those storms and stresses that stop us from truly enjoying Him.
"This great deed, ordained by the Lord God from before time, and treasured and hid within His blessed heart, is known only to Himself. By it He will make everything to turn out well. For just as the blessed Trinity made everything out of nothing, in the same way shall He make all that is wrong to turn out for the best."
~ Julian of Norwich, recluse, (1342-until sometime after 1416), Revelations of Divine Love
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