Pain way up today--burning badly in lumbar and going down hips and legs into feet. Feel like a cat on an electric fence--but am NOT COMPLAINING! Am in rather a humorous mode after a morning of prayer and also of some horrible flashbacks of past ordeals when not hidden, when more in temporal Catholic parish life, and even in a few first years of my (illegal?) hermit vocation.
I was reading in St. Paul's letter to the Galatians and reminded of some truths from this Apostle of Jesus, called by God in a miraculous conversion and ongoing conversions. Paul actually did not meet with St. Peter and the other apostles until a couple or three years later, as he went out into the desert to pray and learn and listen to what Jesus would teach him in the stillness of his soul. Then he returned and met with Peter and a couple or more others of the Twelve, in Jerusalem. Or so that is the historical time frame and circumstances of which some have suggested and written.
As a convert to Catholicism, myself, perhaps I'm more of a St. Paul type understudy. What St. Paul writes to the Galatians makes terrific sense to me.
"Paul, as an apostle sent, not by men or by any man, but by Jesus Christ and God his father who raised him from the dead...."
I admit that my mind has been reminded quite clearly and most definitely of that night, first week of February 2007, right after I'd moved into my lovely little hermitage I named Agnus Dei. My angel came to me in a lucid dream, more real than my reclining in bed right now, having taken a Super Strength Excedrin to help tame the burning, bodily pain, my fingers tapping away on this (illegal?) hermit's laptop, my "window to the world," Bible at hand open to St. Paul's Letter to the new Christians of Galatia.
My angel appeared, for symbolic dream emphasis, dressed in a business suit, and for directness of message. My angel spoke to me through a telephone even though the angel stood directly in front of me, those angel "eyes" piercing me with a look of serious intent per the message the Lord gave my angel to impart to me.
"You have not been living nor honoring the HERMIT LIFE that GOD has CHOSEN FOR YOU AND VALUES VERY MUCH!"
My angel's voice was stern and firm, distinct with clarity and louder than ever prior or since. One does not forget such encounters, ever. It is as if it just happened, all so clear and the strength of voice and how it made me feel in that present moment of chastisement, I can live it as if right now. I actually cringed when my angel used and emphasized the word "hermit." Admittedly, even then I knew I had not wanted to use that h-word, the hermit word even though my profession and vow had occurred over six years prior. I felt that hermit seemed too harsh, too severe, particularly for my Protestant friends.
Well, in truth, it was myself who found it harsh and serious, for indeed it is! But I had mostly considered myself a religious solitary if any label was required. And all this I admitted in a thought-flash to my angel that night; and I also admitted in a thought flash, with much remorse and consternation, including true fear of the Lord, that I had not been living nor honoring the hermit life....
But until that angelic chastisement, from God to hermit via my guardian angel, I had not specifically known the seriousness and reality of God having specifically chosen for me: the hermit life. Nor did I in specifically know the awe-inspiring extent to which God values very much this hermit life that God Himself chose for me. For me--this nothing much, non-descript person.
As an added effect, in this lucid dream, immediately following my angels chastising message, an adult daughter was nearby and asked me who it was who had called and been speaking to me. (Again, this in the lucid dream, more real and actual than day-life.) I thus immediately in stunned and ashamed horror, repeated to this adult daughter exactly what the angel had said to me, word for word, with emphasis as the angel had emphasized. The Lord arranged all these elements to emphasize the reality of the truth He needed me to see and admit, to repent and to amend my hermit vocational life!
I awoke and set about to taking all to account, and I buckled down all the more to the eremitic vocation and to value it, honor it, live it in a way that I prayed and hoped in God would be pleasing to Him and as He desired of me. I never again avoided the hermit word, of which mostly would be in my own mind, as I had no need to be interacting with others much other than errands or hiring some help now and then, or in confession or with my spiritual father--discussing the living out of my hermit vocation and life. No more would I fear the hermit word; it is who I am and is my vocation while on this earth.
So all the more, now and this morning and last evening when reading St. Paul's words to the Galatians and also a sermon by St. Augustine which further comments upon St. Paul's message to the Galatians, I grasp that what St. Paul states is the holy truth, the living word of God. And it has particular meaning for me at this time in my life and hermit vocation, 13 years after the shape-it-up-hermit chastisement message from God to hermit via my guardian angel.
For one thing, God chose this hermit life for me, I did not chose it nor did a man or men choose it for me nor me for it. God chose this hermit life for me. He expects me to live it, honor it, for God chose it for me and values this hermit life very much, not just a little: very much. So I extra get it when St. Paul states that he was sent by Jesus Christ and God his Father; Paul not sent by a man or men to be an apostle of Christ.
Paul was surprised with the Galatians. He was "amazed that you are so soon deserting him" [Paul] who called them "in accord with his gracious design in Christ and are going over to another Gospel [Christ's way, truth, life]. St. Paul then asks them, "Who would you say I am trying to please at this point--men or God? Is this how I seek to ingratiate myself with men? If I were trying to win man's approval, I would surely not be serving Christ!" And then, Paul emphasized, "I assure you...the Gospel I proclaimed to you is no mere human invention. I did not receive it from any man, nor was I schooled in it. It came by revelation from Jesus Christ."
So I must ponder this Living Word of God most seriously, for it has had great impact on my current situation as a Catholic and a hermit chosen for this vocation by God who values it very much, but yet not approved in this hermit life by a canon law §603 which was incorporated into the canons (church laws) in 1983. In fact, I had always been informed by priests, a rector, monsignor, Chancellor of diocese, Vicar General, and a bishop that it was not necessary for me to be a CL603 hermit, nor was an annulment as no witnesses agreeable and not ever going to remarry.
I was deemed quite acceptable and deemed a Catholic hermit with my profession of the three evangelical counsels, offering of my vow and rule of life, and nothing other needed but to live the life as the Church describes and sets forth in description, beautiful it is, under Consecrated Life of the Church: Eremitic Life §920, §921. Was advised by the Chancellor/Rector/Vicar General to title my blog "A Catholic Hermit." But that was 12 or so years ago. Situations change with time and among the various Church hierarchy interpreting and advising per law and per spiritual life lived.
Of course, canon law is considered the source of church law over what the Magisterium states per the life of the church in The Catechism of the Catholic Church. My discernment currently, and of importance to me now, is of what is God's will for me pertaining to my hermit vocation. My own research is bearing out that the canon law 603 is the definitive form of hermit vocation and will be. What I was told prior is no longer nor will it be in future, the way in which the Church (de jure and de facto) recognize the hermit vocation for individuals (in addition to recognizing new institutes of hermit communities and laras, and recognizing hermits who belong to the ancient hermit Orders (such as Carthusian and Camaldolese religious orders established centuries ago as religious orders of hermits living in community).
I must discern God's will in my particular situation. I see the way of the present and future, and technically, in the ecclesial law, I would be considered in effect, an illegal or illicit hermit, or perhaps more political correct language might be, an undocumented hermit! (Some in the secular world prefer the term "undocumented immigrant" over "illegal alien." Both are the reality; one term evidently sounds less harsh and more palatable than the other. But I am done with couching my hermit life as other than "hermit;" I am fine with being deemed an illegal hermit and wonder if I ought title my blog accordingly?
It will be awhile before I receive official word from my superior, the diocese Bishop. But reality is that current research on the topic indicates the way present and path forward, will be that the traditional type hermits of yore are not by law nor in fact hermits recognized as hermits in today's Church. And that is all right, for we must remain current with the Church in Her more temporal but functional and evidently necessary additions to church law and functionality.
Yet I must factor what the Lord has told me, has chosen for me, and discern if He yet chooses and desires, or if He wills me to in effect have a do-over of profession and vow and rule of life. It could get tricky. My mystical life has proven to be difficult for most priests and thus far one bishop, to grasp and have background in understanding; none thus far have any lived experience with mystics or mystical experiences, but I was blessed with God giving me the late, dearest spiritual da for 24 years.
Otherwise, my Catholic existence was filled with much persecution. Some had insidious envy that clouded their judgment and temperaments. Others had excitement until they became frustrated with some of the realities being more than they could logically grasp. (Mystics historically have not been well received nor understood; it is an uncommon type affliction to be a Christian Catholic mystic. Most were persecuted, hidden away, or killed only to later be considered marvelous and dear folks, after all.) So I'm having some awful flashbacks and memories gurgle up to the surface.
And my new spiritual father does not quite get the problem that I by church law am illegal currently, not being a CL603 hermit, yet I'm not sure if the Lord desires that, which seems more not His choosing but rather a reversion that is more of what several years ago He showed me a vision along the CL603 lines and a particular bishop. Within that vision, the Lord asked me, "Why would you want THAT when you can have me more DIRECTLY?" Indeed, in that profound vision and locution, the answer was obvious; no one would want the other with its temporal complexity compared to the direct luminosity and freedom of God Himself.
As I ponder St. Paul, would I be serving Christ by trying to gain man's approval, vis a vis a bishop's approval of me per canon law after 20 years of being God's hermit per God's choosing me for hermit life? Even though the Lord has formed me and had to prune me off and on, and sometimes severely, I am yet His hermit, His Catholic hermit, but of course in the Church per law, I am an illegal hermit and not a licitly recognized hermit.
It does seem that I should either be a legal hermit or remain an illegal hermit, and if that, to very much acknowledge that I am an illegal hermit, even if God chose me for the hermit life. Even if Scripture states in various ways and verses of books in the Bible, that God's law is superior to man's law. St. Paul is reminding of that reality, in that he was not sent by man or men, but was sent by God as an apostle. I am reminded that I did not choose the hermit life, nor did a priest or bishop or other hermit choose me for hermit life, but God chose me for hermit life--a life that He values very much.
I only and always want to do and be in God's will. I want what HE chooses for me, even if that seems to not jive with a 1983 Church canon, although conceivably we'd think the ecclesial laws would coincide always with God's will. The only lack of cohesion and the answer to it, is that the Lord did not want that particular bishop I was shown in the vision of a few years ago--8-9 years ago--and otherwise now might want other than my having Him directly now?
So I continue to pray, and Scripture very much provides answers or at least points to truths, always. Why not wait until I hear word from the bishop? Well, I can wait, unless God makes Himself clear to me that He prefers I be His hermit, chosen by Him, and God does not will or need me to be a legal hermit in the law or recognition of the Church. Be just God's hermit, and in fact an Illegal Hermit, and write of life as a child of Christ, a Catholic Christian mystic, a suffering soul, living as a hermit but not legally a hermit.
This latter would be the more humble, perhaps, or seemingly so. Jesus was not legally recognized as a prophet, priest, teacher, or messiah. John the Baptist said Jesus is the Messiah, but John the Baptist had no legal recognition, was not a priest nor anything or anyone recognized by Jewish law. Jesus and John the Baptist were essentially nothings, de jure and de facto, other than John the greatest prophet born and Jesus the Son of God, the Man-God, the Savior of all Mankind and the World.
A legal Catholic hermit who also writes blog posts, has written eloquently of why CL603 makes a hermit "free." While I do not want to seem ubiquitously irritating, I immediately ask the question, "Were not any or all of the holy, even canonized saint Catholic hermits prior to 1983, then, free? It would seem not. Definitely in today's Church, they would not be legal hermits, and not recognized by the Church as hermits. Was John the Baptist not free? Were not St. Paul the First Hermit, St. Antony of the Desert, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Sarah of the Desert, St. Benedict (the three years he was a hermit), St. Bruno, St. Romuald, St.Godric, St. Nicholas of Flue, St. Seraphim, St. Charbel--and so many more--not free?
But I do "get it." The late, great G.K. Chesterton, convert and exceptional writer, expressed how "frames" and "framing" provides improved and positive "definition" or defined perspective that life without "frames" lacks. He uses the example of a theater stage, of the sides, top, bottom of stage, of the curtain that opens to reveal a scene. All eyes of audience focus on that stage that is in essence a live picture on-going, portraying a scenario of life unfolding before the eyes of observers who become engaged as proto-participants. Without frames, our view can tend to scatter; we do not observe as clearly or distinctively. Aspects can be lost to us.
So having a sense of freedom as enhanced by laws be it secular or church (canon) laws, can seem to have an effect. I'm not sure if it is freedom so much as the effect of definition, of a security that comes when we are constrained in some ways, or are framed in. Yes, I get that. I suppose the word freedom or being more free if a CL603 hermit, is debatable. I've only lived the Catholic hermit vocation as a non-legal hermit. And the other has only lived the Catholic hermit vocation as a canon law--legal--hermit. We simply and actually do not know each other's experience.
I suppose it is all right to not be a free hermit, for we are truly--all of us--only saved and made free in Jesus Christ.
I can and do accept that my last 20 years are now illicit years, fraudulent and counterfeit years, per Church law, as I was not legally a Catholic hermit. I face this reality with research and facts. I did not feel not free, however, all these past years as a practicing Catholic hermit, professed, avowed, and living the hermit vocation in progressing phases of betterment. Perhaps I felt free in the eremitic vocation as I was God's hermit. Perhaps my freedom has been due to the Lord having chosen me for the hermit life, and I did not choose myself for it. Yet I probably do not feel free now. I am an illegal hermit, not a valid hermit per canon law.
I will read over again St. Augustine's sermon on what St. Paul explained to the people of Galatia. I may share excerpts in the next blog post, if they seem helpful to the furtherance of my discernment and of benefit to any of you readers who follow along and may also be illegal hermits, in effect undocumented hermits.
Above all else, I continue to ask the Lord His will. Part of me wonders if I ought simply ask the Chancellor to not bother the bishop with my queries, for already I see from current research the answer, and that is that hermits of the Church now need to be legal hermits per CL603 or else hermits in bishop approved new institutes--hermit communities or laras, or in an ancient hermit Order. The Lord through the Bishop and/or the Lord through my angel and priest director and priest confessor will guide me and provide whatever is now deemed best. In the meantime, I will simply be an illegal Catholic hermit as I prefer honest discretion in the passage of temporal life aligning with the spiritual as best it can.
Above all else of earth, God bless His Real Presence in us! Let us love one another as God loves, and love God in Himself in the Highest!
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