Christmas has been yet again for another year. The celebration of Christ's birth always births some spiritual and/or temporal awareness, newness, in our souls.
Here at Solus Deus, following another physical pain ordeal Sunday evening and into Monday morning, Christmas Day presented more struggle of mind, heart, and soul, within, than any Christmas of my 68 years on earth. The next most difficult was the year the ex-spouse was still more off-than-on in the marriage and was the last Christmas he spent with myself and our three (then quite young) children.
I don't think the children fully or even partly realized the sorrowful and tenuous nature of that parent's desire to not be married and to find it easier (for that person) to be without a having a spouse and children, I myself was grievously and painfully well aware of the spouse's denial of choices made--quite hurtful choices. Easy the spouse found it, to blame others. It had become an on-going, easy self-deception and scapegoat habit; and it can be thus for any of us humans, unless we want to face ourselves humbly, honestly, without guile.
But this current Christmas at Solus Deus Hermitage, other aspects had become the challenge of the present moments. My heart wanted to ponder the tremendous joy of Christ's birth amidst the joy of preparing for Christmas by joyfully and with thought of others' likes and needs, gifted with delight. And the night before--Christmas Eve-this consecrated Catholic hermit did mentally, emotionally, and spiritually follow along with Mary and Joseph, contemplating their plight in Bethlehem and finally settling into a stable, and of Mary giving birth to Jesus in those unexpected and challenging circumstances.
Somehow, though, upon waking Christmas morn--of course in pain and with the newly-added intestine issues on-going into their sixth week--my mind, heart, and very soul seemed depleted. There was none of the usual means of resuscitating the spirit, on my part. And the Holy Spirit allowed me to feel deeply the suffering of depletion all day and into Christmas night.
I tell you, it was awful--made all the more so due to my mind wanting to find the joy of spirit, at least the spunk of soul, that is my usual verve of spiritual uplift despite the greatest of sufferings. I wondered and asked the Lord, "What has happened to my soul? Where is my usual, loving, fun and hopeful soul? Please help me get that, my loving soul, back!"
I had a phone call Christmas morning. I was so thankful! The adult son called; his girlfriend had to work, so he was spending Christmas on his own, and opened up while on the phone with me, the box of wrapped gifts I'd sent. For that time period, the God's consolation of the phone call filled the moments. Yet even so, after, the downcast, the gray fog, rolled in and would not budge. I did not filter well, a situation of a gift the son emailed that morning after, I suppose, seeing a check I'd also gifted. Instead, I wanted the son to cancel what he may have felt obligated to arrange just that morning, and apply that expenditure to his real estate fund. To me at the moment, it seemed a rational and loving request; a parent never ceases to want more for the child no matter how old the child, over anything for the parent. I realized later it may have seemed rude, or that I was ungrateful.
And typical in my human imperfection and ingrained flaws, and worse when pain is greater, I fretted that I had not seemed grateful, and also that he essentially canceled out my donation to his real estate goal in what I'd sent by his emailed gift card. I felt badly--which compounds upon itself when the pain is high and am exhausted from suffering. By evening, I texted apologies for having been annoying or rude. I tried to explain my intentions are from love and desire to help others reach their goals and dreams. That seemed understandable, or at least brought the response that it is "okay" and to "feel better."
Another phone call came later in the day, from an adult daughter and grandchild who expressed appreciation for their gifts, and I expressed gratitude, also, for their stopping by the day before and the gifts they gave.
I was worn out from the recent abdominal ordeal and additional call to hospital ER for advice, as I'm in new territory of suffering with this added, now-chronic, health challenge. I had not receive much concrete help from a young ER nurse; but her lack of experience made me realize to use my spiritual instinct, and to just let the Lord's presence dominate. What would occur would be God's will--for better or worse in the temporal view, but always for best in God's providence.
The other adult daughter and her family never did call. I had received Christmas night a phone video text of a grandchild using a gift I'd sent. I texted to the daughter, hoping for any type of response, but to no avail. The next day, also, I texted, wondering how was their Christmas. Nothing. Or as St. John of the Cross so well-expressed the ontological nothingness of our human plight: Nada, nada, nada.
I realized again, on the Feast of St. Stephen, Dec. 26, that I was yet in a state of depletion of mind, heart, and spirit. I've not felt so emptied in years, if ever. My soul felt all the more as if being prepared to pass over, and that the distancing of family, or if from my own inability to filter or explain myself well, or to be viable as a parent or person when in reality am weary physically but perhaps more so from the nada, the seeming misconnection--that it is as if family and friends and myself are preparing for this death, are in some temporal and ontological preparation for my passing over.
Now, this passing over could be my physical termination of this temporal existence and my passing over into the other side of the veil, into the eternal Light of Christ, into the glory of God in eternity. That form of preparing to be propelled into the next life can go on for a long time--years, even--if not soon. However, being prepared to pass over (and that includes the family and close friends in needful recession from the one who is being prepared to enter into spiritual form) can also mean a passing over into another phase yet within this temporal realm.
In trying to do what little I could while in the depletion of mind, heart, and spirit, and in the weariness of bodily suffering, I found some documentaries on dying and watched them, to great personal and spiritual edification. One film was on near death experiences, including interviews with the medical doctor who developed this area of study in the past 40 years.
And a documentary involving those who have lost children in earthly deaths, was quite a blessing. The parents and some counselor types discussed the various ways in which over time, the children began to give signals and sometimes even inner messages, to their parents, expressing reassurance and also (sometimes gave insights through others) that they want their grieving loved ones on earth to be joyful, to live out their lives as if they, the deceased children, were right there with them--for they are, they can be. We simply do not easily see them or hear them. To do so takes faith and awareness, and to keep so many of our temporal distractions and noise more stilled. We must make ourselves available to those holy even within our families, who have passed over and yet are with us in all other ways but physically, bodily.
The various films on the topic, and then finally yesterday (the Feast of St. John the Evangelist) and today (the Feast of the Holy Innocents), I am better able to plug into the spiritual life and be of better mind, heart, and spirit connectedness in His Real Presence. The Holy Spirit increased my ability to show loving kindness to three different neighbors as well as in two outings, to let know in some chance encounters that the persons--strangers no longer--are appreciated. I love to encourage others and have been ever blessed by God's grace to do so.
Praise the Most Holy Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!
While I continue to consider the Holy Family, and ponder in conjunction my family and the seeming distance in some aspects, between them and myself, I know that God prepares us for passing over many times in our lives--passing over as in to transition spiritually or also in some temporal aspects or outcomes of the spiritual passings over. And all these passings while yet bodily here in the temporal world, will prepare us and our holy families,
in whatever ways evolve and unfold, no matter how it seems sad and unnecessary in whatever seeming barriers or distancing, the preparations help for that time, that moment of all present moments when we do finally pass over and leave our bodies here, and leave our holy families and friends in a position in which for most will be difficult to sense us around them, with them, willing and able to help them for the asking. We just will be mostly unseen. To some, we will seem dead and gone totally, of course. Some people are not as sensitively aware as are others.
In my sorrows for whatever it could be, this time, that I have done or said, or simply for how I am, who I am that requires or deserves the rejection, I must consider the second reading for the Mass, the Feast of the Holy Family. Colossians 3:12-14, for example, is one to take to my heart and strive to live out, for my own soul.
"Brothers and sisters: Put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection."
It does no good for my own soul to place myself repeatedly in the line of even emotional fire, when it is not positive nor good for other souls to harbor whatever grievances or negative feelings, even if unable to express what it is, nor to forgive, nor to forget. Sometimes we must simply move on in our hearts to the next place and focus on the good and the loving we can do for others without the emotional impediments. There are others God has for us to touch, to love, to offer generosity of spirit when our own imperfect selves have worn too thin on some others.
A phone call came yesterday from a cousin who immediately apologized, saying she knows she always calls when she has a problem. I commented that helping others with listening to and providing input for problem-solving is a major part of my yet being on this earth. She needed to discuss her adult daughters' fussing, and how or even if, she should respond or handle it.
Also, her father-in-law is in his final days or even hours, and I was able to share more about the coming passing over, with having the recent refresher course, so to speak, from viewing the various documentaries and reflecting on my experience years ago and the various locutions and visions the Lord has allowed for my understanding and espousal to others. All in the conversation seemed to be fruitful; the cousin left off satisfied and grateful for what I had to offer--all and only by the grace of God.
The Holy Family and our own holy families, are as the Lord has provided for us as example and reality of Mary, Joseph and Jesus, to consider per the families God chose for us be born into and in many of our cases, to generate in continuation of family of our own, and to consider as well, the family of humanity with whom we interact and intermingle and pray for and love to whatever degree of love our souls have learned in this our lifetimes on earth, together.
All we know for certain is what we know in faith, hope, and charity: God is real, God is with us, God gave us His only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord, and God gave us the Holy Spirit, our Paraclete. The Three-in-One of the Holy Spirit is ours and we are one through, with, and in the Trinity.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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