Getting back into more rhythm of Divine Office (Liturgy of the Hours) and some not-too-demanding reading. The pain today is really sickening, even with pain meds; it is not easy to distract other than by writing about what I find uplifting, helpful, in working out the process of life, present moment by present moment.
Thus, this homily ascribed to St. Macarius of Egypt, 4th c., I will enjoy yet again in sharing with you readers, plus by typing it out, maybe implanting it further into my mind, heart, and soul. Perhaps I might add my "two-cents' worth," as well. I do have this habit of not holding back my thoughts or application to my life.
Abandoning ourselves fully to God is appropriate to the day and my realization that I have been in over my head with aspects of others out there, when I am more than pain-fatigued in addition to dealing with God's will for me: discerning, seeking, repenting, growing, learning loving. Praise of God and praying for salvation of the world, managing pain and my human flaws, trying to do no harm, and silently preaching Christ--quite a challenging life for an in-process, very human, consecrated Catholic hermit.
"How can it be that, in spite of such promises and incentives on the Lord's part, we refuse to abandon ourselves wholly and unreservedly to Him and renounce all things, even life itself, in accordance with the Gospel (Luke 14:26) in order to love Him alone and nothing but Him?
"Consider all that has been done for us: what glory has been given to us; what benefits granted by the Lord from the time of the fathers and prophets with the history of salvation in view; what promises, what encouragements, what compassion on our Lord's part ever since the beginning! And at the end He demonstrated His unutterable care for us by coming Himself to dwell with us and dying on the cross to turn us back to Him and bring us back to life. Yet we, we don't set aside our self will, our love of worldly things, our evil inclinations and habits, and thus we appear as people who have little or no faith at all.
"And yet, in spite of this, see how God shows Himself to us full of gentle goodness. He protects and cares for us invisibly; He does not completely abandon us to the world's wickedness and illusions, despite our sins; in His great patience He keeps us from perishing and watches from afar for the time of our turning back to Him."
I might listen a little to what the pain doctor sent to my phone, or not. I think I found the written form of the talk on assurance of salvation, online. Perhaps best to not rile me all over again, for especially with trying to cope with constant pain, my sensitivity is heightened, and it takes longer to "shake off" the vividness and details of encounters and memories.
I did receive an email from the man who has developed and leads the parish dream interpretation course as relating to spiritual direction. He has over 200 emails to respond to, and yet he wants to write a response, since he was in a dream I had--a first dream of which I had recall since I asked the Lord to bind Satan from me in the night, and to teach me if He wants--to counsel me in the night.
Knowing how busy, I will not email again, for he does not know me, and is obviously kindly and wanting to be of assistance. I had that dream figured by the help of the Holy Spirit in discerning it, and have had another that was replicated for emphasis.
The dream was an image of myself, although I did not at first recognize myself. I was laid out in on the ground, partially submerged in soil but with dry, fallen and faded autumn leaves covering me up to the neck. Chains were around my neck and down toward chest, although the chest was not visible due to the thick blanket of leaves. The chains came around the neck and criss-crossed to make a kind of heart-shaped effect. They were quite heavy; there was no way I could have gotten up.
But there was no need to, for I was dead. My uncut hair was laid out, also, flowing down on either side of face and shoulders and also covered by the blanket of leaves.
After I awoke with the pain raging, got up, took medication and even got hot coffee mixed with almond milk which helped the medication get into my system faster, I also asked the Lord another if-You-will favor. I asked that if God wills, to give me an instantaneous infusion of grace to be able to transcend physical pain, and/or to have unconditional love, and/or to view all, always, from a point of gratitude.
Silly me, I suppose. I must let go the thought of R (the man who received in July a miraculous ability to transcend all pain, to have unconditional love for all, and to view in life from a standpoint of gratitude. I have texted Dr. H. my question, though. If R got cancer, would he never know until far advanced because he would not feel the eventual pain that cancer causes in tissue, blood, organs, or bones?
I thought of this curiosity after receiving a text from my sibling who reports yesterday had bone marrow biopsy, then a port put in, this morning a class on chemo, and this afternoon a body PET scan to find out if her cancer is elsewhere than left kidney/abdominal area. Had she not felt acute pain, localized, after some back pain which an orthopedic doctor diagnosed as arthritis, which she has but was not the real problem, she'd not have known she has cancer until would be much later.
So yes, I'm still striving to let the Nine S' have good effect in me, such as "stillness" and "serenity". My curiosity with the question is signal of busy thoughts, not stillness. However, there is progress today, lying here on the icy pad, writing and doing what reading I can, of God, which always helps me transcend at least some of the pain. All is a process for me, even if I read in Scriptures and in the Office of Readings a commentary by St. Cyril of Jerusalem on faith, and that with great faith, one can transcend much.
As to the dream, which I had yet again after I fell back to sleep this morning, it is fairly easy to discern the message from God. Totally tuckered out: Dead. The heavy chains around my neck giving in their placement the suggestion of a heart-noose of sorts, and the blanket of fallen, autumn leaves, suggest loving comfort, but still a heaviness in the chains befitting a prisoner of the Lord's custody, and perhaps if not physically dead, definitely in custody and readied for hibernation.
I did seem younger and peaceful, still, serene, simple, slowed down, silent, stable, selfless, and in solitude. The only thing I seemed not, was suffering. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!
Thus far, the repeated dream, for emphasis no doubt, assures me that for now, my decision to relinquish interactions, to accept God's protective custody and solitary confinement, and to abandon myself as fully as my imperfect self will and can, to God.
Given that I was not totally buried even in the shallow grave, but that it was partial and my head and neck not covered, it seems I will be around for awhile, but greatly subdued: His prisoner in hibernation, awaiting perhaps some instruction while I remain in slumber mode, day and night.
Truly, this repeated dream (well, also, after I dreamt it the first time, I thought perhaps someone other) helped me recognize my self--just a more rested and restful version, the stress of pain and fatigue faded from my visage. The repeated version was necessary, thus; God knows what He is doing. I never doubt that fact. In some respects, the dream is a direct touch of love from God as much as if He had touched me in some other way; St. Cyril of Jerusalem also mentioned the point of God's interventions and gifts for the asking, in faith. All of God is good!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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