Retrieved this post idea from when I was going to share, a few days prior to July 23 (what now seems to me) epically painful spine surgery.
Miraculously (again, seems to me) I had a message from someone in my email inbox. I could not place the person in my memory, but recognized where we must have met, for the person inquired of me, and mentioned our having been in Avila, Spain. That and there I had been. (Again, I think my having been able to be there miraculous given the bodily pain even thenbut nothing like the escalation with years.)
I responded to the person, explained my situation of increased pain and awaiting spine surgery, and much having transpired in intervening years, and I asked to please jog my memory. But in the meantime, looking at the name again, the connection came and was validated by another email from the person. She was the professor who taught the course on St. John of the Cross when I was there that summer, 2005, and had planned to stay for three additional months in an apartment that had been arranged for me in Alba de Tormes, an apartment kept by the Discalced Carmelites located across the street from their monastery, the one where St. Teresa of Avila passed from this world and where are displayed her transverberated heart and other items specific to her life on earth.
However--and I have rued my weakness to this day--as I ended up needing to leave Avila after the courses on St. John and also one on St. Teresa (taught by a different person) due to my pain issues as well as some type of desolation going on within me that was deep and more than I could manage along with the pain. (Had to do with an assignment of sorts, that the Lord had me dealing with in the temporal aspects of the Church, not that we can easily categorize; but I was losing the pain management battle amidst the spiritual aspects bombarding.)
(In fact, I have wondered and rather dreamed about while in this post-operative phase, if I could somehow get my body back over there, if some way I could fulfill what I could not do fifteen years ago, and say in that apartment in Alba de Tormes, as if somehow to be able to absorb St. Teresa and St. John by proximity to where they had existed on when on earth. I know that this is a ridiculous notion of mine, all the more today when I cannot get on top of the pain, and it is on top of me. And I also know that I can be present with these saints as well as any other, simply remaining here on the icy pad on my bed; just with a thought and prayer I can learn from them, or with doing a little reading of a couple books I've added to the pile on my bed--but now with more structure and purpose to the reading.)
The professor who taught our class about St. John of the Cross that summer somehow remembered me, which I find to be miraculous and providential. She is noted as one of the leading scholars and authority of St. John of the Cross, and all the more I was assured her reaching out to me an answer to prayers for God to help me know and fulfill my mission and to help me get back on the spiritual track He wills for me. I need to put all prongs back into the spiritual socket, so to speak.
In a next email, the professor sent a review she'd written awhile ago that was published in a journal. She thought I might enjoy reading it and giving me something to think about during my surgery convalescence. The review is that of a published dissertation on Faith According to St. John of the Cross, by Karol Wojtyla [St. Pope John Paul II].
My mind has been so beleaguered with pain and various other distractions, including many of my own choosing or agreeing to, that I was unable to focus or absorb the review; but I kept it as a treasure to read when the circumstances and Holy Spirit determined. That time was the night before last; the article, the review, helped in my turning point and need of direction--as much as the reminders of Teresa of Avila and St. Joseph, her patron, from access to notes from the parish course on dreams and interpretation in spiritual direction were also prompting me to turn, to resume, the path of my spiritual journey.
The professor's published review stirred many helpful points on faith and in the writings of St. John of the Cross relative to the progression of the soul's seeking and ascending to union with God. Also, I was reminded in a practical sense, of Pope John Paul II's mentor and spiritual director, Pere Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange.
In the meantime, between the first emails including the journal review article, and the over three months post-operation and my having the capacity to read and absorb the review, the professor most kindly (I consider yet a miracle) has included me in email greetings on various feast days and solemnities, plus another inclusion, this of the film For the Greater Glory: the True Story of the Cristiada. The Holy Spirit was not giving up on me even through my lingering distractions, sins, hurtfulness, and difficulty managing higher levels of pain.
So last night I emailed the professor, for the thought had come to ask her advice on what book by Garrigou-Lagrange she might recommend for me to read; I had collected most of his major titles intending to read, but the past over six years came and went, my library boxed until recently, and I briefly explained my plight physically and spiritually--wafting about--and my need and desire, both, to press onward.
I am (we all are) called to better purpose and focus spiritually, in Christ. I specifically, personally, need to fill in the craters in my mind, heart, and soul with what will teach and lead in spiritual holiness rather than what was over, done--blessed in their purpose and seasons but now on to what next.
The professor recommends to me Les Trois Ages de la Vie Interiure, Vols. 1 and 2 (Garrigou-Lagrange), and two biographies: San Juan de la Cruz (Crisogono) and Saint Jean de la Croix (Bruno de Jesus Marie). While I have the Garrigou LaGrange volumes (The Three Ages of the Interior Life), and I have and have read the biography of St. John of the Cross by Crisogono, I do not have Bruno de Jesus Marie's volume so ordered it online.
Last night I began The Three Ages of the Interior Life, and already in the forward, I am benefitting greatly. I have no huge aspirations other than to read and gain whatever portions in the present moment, trusting that whatever the Holy Spirit desires for me to absorb I will absorb, and however the information will lead me forth or provide holy insights and understanding of any and all matters of God, I will be grateful and blessed.
Not that these books are what the Holy Spirit is directing you to read at this time, I share the titles recommended by the professor and John of the Cross scholar, in case they may be of benefit to you now or at some other time.
As for me, I need to begin again, anew, in what my late spiritual da had hoped for my future, in the last note he sent me, to return to reading good books and not to lose touch with the supernatural. I need to have other to live and ponder than my devolving into distractions and temporal matters to the degree of less, rather than more, of His Real Presence.
Now, the added pain med plus Excedrin, being on icy pad, and writing of the holy and blessed reconnection from past, the pain seems quieted some. I will rise, shower (a physical ordeal that increases pain), and return to icy pad on bed to pick up reading where I left off last night.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Thank you, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for lifting me, carrying me, and providing definitive guidance for specific spiritual reading.
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