I've texted the three adult children, essentially thanking them for being beloved treasures of life, despite all they've been put through when so young and into their adult lives. Between one parent having left us in the lurch, and the other constantly trying to deal with chronic pain and the various flaws and weaknesses of all that makes up a human being, they have persevered. I mentioned their courage and strength will see them through whatever else. And much thanks, for they have meant so much in having kept me going despite suffering. They are gifts!
Either I needed to force myself to get up from bed and walk, or give in to the pain. Only between God and myself, have been these later years and the recent months. So I resolved to make myself go for a walk, and praying along the way, once more placing myself in God's loving providence; the pain of walking felt a good change from the pain I now can call by its diagnosed name. Lots of mysteries solved in these symptoms now, including that the body's physical energy can become trapped, causing disruption in electronic devices in the vicinity.
So that is how photos from my cell phone which was in the kitchen, one night got sent to four different persons! Or so it would seem. I certainly was not even near the phone all night; it was charging in the other room. And I'd have no reason to send the same photos taken nearly a year ago! Some humor, this is!
Giving myself over yet again to God while walking, I passed a man in a cul-de-sac who apologized for his truck sticking out a bit. I like it when I am forced to walk a few extra steps and told the man as such; he then said he'd heard I had back pain. I explained am recovering from back surgery but also have a condition that will continue to cause increasing pain, but that I decided I'd better make myself walk, with the hope that over time, I might be able to handle the added pain.
He said he and his wife had been talking, having seen me walking, that they'd like to be of any assistance possible. His wife came outside about then, and invited me in to exchange phone numbers. I was toward nearing the end of the best utilization of the pain medication, so one I talked more as is a typical mode of my distracting from pain when it is high and around others. At least, I pointed out, that they know my situation with the back and the pain so they won't wonder or think it is going to lessen.
The husband is going to be retiring soon, and he offered to do anything I need help with around my dwelling. The one thing I did ask was if they go to a large store that sells in bulk--and yes they do--could they please call me next time they go, as if they could pick up a few items for me, I'd be very grateful. Buying in bulk then keeps me from having to ask again for quite awhile. And the next time I see them, or if she calls prior to going to that store, I can apologize and explain my chattering is only at times when pain is too much--just one of my distraction techniques, a coping mechanism.
Mercy, Lord. Suffering does humble a person, often enough. My sins are ever before me.
But the couple agree, that if I can keep walking, at least there is a chance that I can cope with the increasing pain. One must be careful mentioning pain medication these days; it is so misunderstood by most people, even bias against those of us who are legitimate pain patients and for whom other interventions prove useless. But I have agreed within, in the inner conversations with God, that I will stifle my pride in thinking I can do with less medication, and will increase to compensate for the pain when it rises as a result of walking. Then I can lower it when not needed.
And what a gift from the Lord, this couple. The woman a couple years younger than me, her husband five years younger than her. How thoughtful and generous, and just seeing me walk by their subdivision several times, noticing the brace, and I think their neighbor was speaking with me awhile back, and their pups ran out and were jumping up. I love dogs, and I did not mind the jumping, as I could not bend, of course, to pet them down low. I mentioned the back trouble, no doubt.
I continue to pray for the long-time friend and husband, and I remain quite sorry that what I'd written was so offensive, which I can see it would be and why. I'm sorry it was even noticed, for whatever reasons, unless the Lord decides to bring some good from it. I have been quite concerned, but about that which is not my place to have reacted to what is their business, their sad situation ongoing for a long time.
That is true of another person recently, but who takes it better, my lack of filtering. In these situations, there is nothing more to be done when people persist carrying their sideways crosses--crosses that are of our own doing, our own making. Even continuing to carry these off-kilter crosses of situations that get heavier with time when not uprighted or dealt with--there is no point in discussing or repeating what is seen or even good advice that is not taken. Give all over to God, these situations involving sideways crosses.
And take a good look at any that could be sideways crosses in our own lives. Perhaps my not wanting to increase pain meds so that perhaps I could manage pain better, is a sideways cross of sorts. No one to blame but myself unless the walking causes more numbness of legs or debilitates, and not only increases pain. Or to not have good custody over self when pain gets too much. Given my situation, I am definitely not being denied pain medication now as was the case for many years--crucial years when the children were young.
I'm improving a tad in trying to first consider the degree of pain in whatever moment, but sometimes I simply don't realize--such as when talking with the couple on nearby street this afternoon--just how severe is the pain. This particularly occurs when I have been preoccupied for hours with interior conversations with God, as I had been today. I don't have a full awareness of the pain when the circumstances suddenly change, and I am interfacing with people.
In God, there is always understanding from Him as to my thoughts and concerns. He never wearies of however the pain is affecting me. That is love. That is pain. That is love and pain melding together, in God's grace and love for me. And the gift of this couple's offer to help me out if ever I need, is quite something, is it not?
It occurred not long after I had, while walking along, once again offered full forgiveness to the ex-spouse, noting to the Lord in doing so, that yes, I'd done that years ago and repeatedly off and on since. But I'd not for awhile, and of course, there is no means of loving if one is not forgiving. Forgiveness bears repeating. It is only when we forgive, are we forgiven. We love most when we forgive. To fully love, one must fully forgive.
Pain is always connected with forgiveness or there would be no need to forgive; and love, as we realize, is part and parcel to pain. Love, forgiveness, pain: ach and all intertwine. Blessedness comes.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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