Today this pained, Catholic hermit is needing strength of His Real Presence. Angel (person who used to bring me the consecrated Host for Holy Communion about once a week) must still be away. While she'd given to the parish nurse her list of those to whom she brought the consecrated Host, evidently no substitute parish visitor took up the blessed task. So His Real Presence is needed here in Solus Deus Hermitage in the various other ways we Catholics can receive Eucharist [see post on Eucharist and Hermit].
The physical pain remains at higher level than what it had been. No progress in being able to be up, walk a little bit, do the minimal, physical therapy exercises, or in stamina to stand in kitchen such as to make oatmeal. The pain simply yet noticeably rises when I am up and out of bed, off the icy pad therein.
The physical therapist on her final visit 10 days ago said to give her updates now and then. This morning I texted my current plight of this week, and of my needing to accept and adapt to the reality that I am an invalid, 2 1/2 months post spinal surgery. I've had to cut back on the very limited walking and other aspects of self-care like getting food from fridge or changing out the ice pump ice, twice a day. I mentioned my sleep is now but five hours at night, if that. Perhaps I must return to the additional medication at night--as I've had to otherwise increase the other medication, essentially, by taking it in closer intervals? I also wonder, and texted thus, is the shift in weather into autumn also causing increased pain?
The physical therapist texted back that I should try to get in to see the surgeon sooner. I responded with this additional reality: there is nothing the surgeon can say or do about this fact of yet-higher pain than prior to surgery and higher pain than a week ago. Is the walking and minimal physical therapy exercises plus my cooking a few pieces of chicken breast (last Sunday) too much? I'm already 99% bedridden--getting up for necessity of basic self-sufficiency and doing the minimal, basic body movements like walking up and down the stairs 2-3 times a day for exercise, and standing at base of stairs 2-3 times a day with one foot on first step, and lifting the other leg and body, up to 10 times each side. Was trying to do the modified "plank" exercise too much? Perhaps!
What could or would the surgeon say to me? He already said a month ago that he's convinced it is 85% chance that my pain will be less. But it is not, at least not thus far. Yes, it is less than immediately after the surgery--the acute pain that comes with invasive repair work, particularly on the spine. However, I am not at all making progress these past few weeks and in fact am currently in regression in being able to tolerate pain that is definitely increased, even when on my back, in bed, on this icy pad. Nerve pain down the hips and legs are definitely increased, too.
The painful ordeal that would be even worse the day after sitting in a car to ride to and from surgeon's office, my mind cannot agree to attempting--especially when, truly, the surgeon can say nor do anything to change the reality of my outcome at this point. The pain should not be going in this reverse direction; but it is, and the only action is to accept and adapt, and for now to not physically "do" other than the least problematic aspects of getting up for necessities.
The PT suggested my keeping a log of activities. I have been doing so. I'm not up the 8 times a day I had been. If this pain is partly due to the cooler weather, there is nought I can do about it. I know for a fact that remaining in bed more is not helpful to increasing the endorphins (brain chemical that helps body manage pain); but what if the pain is such that being up increases pain more than what staying reclined proffered?
I'm exhausted with and by pain. I reminded the PT that she'd said to check in now and then, and this is probably more my attempt to accept and adapt to the invalid status at least for now by writing the issues to someone whose done her best to instruct me in what is usually for-the-best. However, I'm in a situation now that seems best-to-face. Perhaps over time, this higher level of pain will simmer down. Writing of it in this blog helps a little in the necessary acceptance and adaptation process the mind and heart must make when the hoped-for outcome is not happening, for now. I always must add the "for now." Only God is forever.
This broken record even of writing of the reality of this pain is so repetitive. It gets old. So I turn, as always, increasingly to God, for only God knows and only God is forever.
The first reading from the prophet Nehemiah gifts with the Eucharist we receive in the Living Word of God. This portion of what is being proclaimed today at Masses the world over unites me in communion, as well, with the entire Body of Christ--souls including many others with sufferings, others in the Church, others in His Real Presence on this side and on the other side, for all eternity.
"'Do not be saddened this day,
for rejoicing in the LORD must be your strength!'
And the Levites quieted all the people, saying,
'Hush, for today is holy, and you must not be saddened.'
Then all the people went to eat and drink,
to distribute portions, and to celebrate with great joy,
for they understood the words that had been expounded to them."
My main takeaway of this scriptural, "daily bread," this "bread of life," are the words of exhortation:
"Do not be saddened this day,
for rejoicing in the LORD must be your strength!"
I will rise now, for third time this morning, now that the medication has gotten into the physical body enough to help manage the pain of being upright and ambulating. I will do the few steps involved in removing the thawed out water bottles in the ice pump and exchange with frozen water bottles from the freezer. The reacher-grabber tool helps, as well as the walker which I use to transport items due to the convenient walker tray. I will rejoice in the Lord, and if feasible, will get the oatmeal bowl soaking, then brush and rinse out the already sudsy-soaking oatmeal saucepan.
I will try walking up and down the stairs one time and do the leg-strengthening exercise using the bottom step of the stairs--the stairs I've named as "the stairway to Heaven." In all matters--yes--I must turn to the Lord, hush my thoughts and pain with the reminder that today is holy. And I will not be saddened this day no matter the physical pain; rejoicing in the Lord must be my strength!
Truly, God IS my joy and strength. I'd written an article that was published in The Liguourian years ago, titled "When Healing Doesn't Come." I might try to locate it and share it with you readers, for I know the Holy Spirit guided my thoughts and typing fingers when I wrote it, back then. Even though the increased pain and the bit of increased medication makes me extra fatigued, turning to the Lord always awakens our awareness of His tender, loving care.
Rejoicing in the Lord--must be our strength!
God bless His Real Presence in us, all ways and always!
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