Just beginning this post but will not finish at this time. Need more reflection and absorption, but this morning I was included in a three-way phone call of which a man shared his story of a healing he received--or, in other words, he had a divine intervention of some sort that allows him to be free of pain, to transcend pain to a point of normal existence.
His path has been of shamanism, and he is a healer. I listened. I was not really prepared for so much mental, however. His voice was intense, confident, excited with quite much information, which is understood with the circumstances of his life story.
However, my path is not that. It all seemed hard and laborious, although I'm sure for him it was not or is not, but it is intentional. Yes, he said intentional, and he is able to cross dimensions by intention. It also has to do with great love, and a bliss he experienced, a divine transcendence and gift, obviously, but again, it is not my path.
My path embraces suffering. I have been told that I will find God in my pain. I have been told to be an immolation. I have been told love to suffer, and suffer to love. It is that love and suffering are united in a mystical sense, powerful is love and powerful is suffering--holy suffering, holy love. Through love, I have been told, I will transcend pain--not have it go away, per se. I think the man and I probably would agree on that point.
But my mission is not as a healer, not to go into people's minds and help them re-arrange, nor to help them not feel pain. The man meditates, he said, and I am sure he does and is adept. His meditation is on his breath. That helped him get to the other side of pain, and I'm not into judging but simply must rely upon the years of suffering and the locutions and visions from angels, saints, apostles, and the Trinity along the way.
None of the visions and locutions have differed. For my time on earth, I will know earthly pain, and the suffering is difficult, yes, and so painful at times, but it is love, it is a powerful prayer, it unites me with Jesus Christ. I do not mind if I progress "slowly" or am not able to be intentional in utilizing whatever of a gift. I let go, or try to, and let God unfold it. I realize I am rather lazy, perhaps, in this regard. I am not even into what people call "centering prayer." I was deeply informed by St. Catherine of Siena appearing and telling me, as I was striving so hard to progress, to do just the right forms and actions in prayer and whatever all else to progress in holiness, that "It is not a formula."
So I trust in that locution and seeing her face, smiling gently at me while I was trying so very hard to do all just so and just right. I relaxed, and even now in all this physical suffering and somewhat in realizing and accepting that suffering is an integral part of my purpose on earth and that suffering in itself is forming me, helping me progress spiritually of its own intensity and power, that I don't have a desire to do this or that exercise or technique.
I just wait, rest, let go, distract when I need to even in temporal distractions. I trust God to know and understand, and to carry me through to correct me when I need correcting, and to utilize me in suffering or in whatever other ways--writing or praying (of which in reality and essence, the two are one as prayer, really, after a certain point of the soul's desiring and love of God binds in whatever degree.
I'll post this much. I'm not sure I have more to write, other than I accept that I may be quite lazy and not right in my not caring that much to do breathing exercises or whatever other, or even to be rid of the pain more than what the pain meds do in taking the edge off. I'm content! I'm secure enough, evidently, by the grace of God, that this is where and what He wills of me, in the present moment and while I am on earth in a body.
Also, though, the man's reminder of other dimensions and mention of judging is very good in its explanation--or again, reminder--that when we move across the lines of the temporal to other dimensions, not judging others becomes more possible. We are more apt to judge others when in 3rd dimension, what we know more as the basic aspects of temporal. The man mentioned how judging others hinders us; yes, it does. I am reminded that we people have different experiences and view matters of the temporal (and that includes the spiritual-temporal realms) differently simply because we are in different "places" of thought and understanding, or levels, or as St. Teresa calls them "mansions" or Scripture says "rooms".
Thus, those even in the Church who are more temporally located, so to speak, have a tough time accepting those who are maybe more fluid, even if not intentionally so. That is a big take-away from listening to the man's story and of his amazing healing of transcending physical pain. Of course, this is for now, and he is aware of the present moment very much. God has him helping people with healing, and many people God desires to be healed enough to be at work, to provide for their families, and so forth.
Dr. H. (who facilitated the phone conference call) wants to talk further with me in a couple days, to unwind thoughts on the man's miraculous gift given of ability to transcend what was serious, debilitating pain, to return to fully physical capacity, and to continue his work with helping people with pain of various types. (He is trained in a field that coincides with healing profession, alternative to traditional medical means, but valid; I don't want to cause any temptation to judge, for I do not; I simply know this is not for me--at least not unless the Lord would let me know conclusively, decisively, which would mean going against various visions, locutions, temporal circumstances--of which that can be, of course, for God is all, the source of all being, of all energy, of all knowledge and power.
This afternoon, I hired a Lyft driver/car to take me to an appointment with the osteoporosis doctor. I'd already postponed going for six weeks; being driven anywhere in a car, particularly the low-to-ground economy cars, is a "given" for raising the physical pain. However, the driver--a fluke, for sure--was one who had a year ago taken me to the airport, and he had shared with me his life of prayer, in fact of keeping a notebook of prayer needs of people to whom he gave lifts. It is all private an anonymous, of course, and he asks permission if and when he senses or learns that the rider is open to having him pray; no privacy is breached, no last names, etc.
By the time I got to the medical center, the pain in my spine was horrific. In fact, I could not think clearly enough to find the office; ended up on a wrong floor but was kindly directed to correct location. That is what pain does to the mind--for I've been there enough to ordinarily know my way. Yes, it would be quite something to transcend the pain to a level of being fully functional, as if no pain at all, no surgery, no cross to bear. However, my confidence in God's will is such that I'm content to wait, to be receptive, but also, to be grateful--an aspect the man in the morning phone conversation emphasized has become his life--one of gratitude and of love.
I did my usual--offered the escalated physical pain to the Lord to use however He desires. Then I prayed for stamina, and waited to be called so that I could lay down on the exam table.... After the brief appointment which truly was unnecessary but evidently part of the protocol of keeping in touch with patients following the Prolia injection I received in early July to treat osteoporosis, I called for another Lyft ride--prepared for whatever pain from having to sit down low in another economy car. (And I do not blame the Lyft drivers for having economy cars; I would, also, if I that was a source of my income and I had no problem sitting and driving in that type of car.
To my amazement, the Lyft app on my phone said to look for "Edward in a 2019 Dodge Ram truck." I was jubilant; this was a first for me, to have a pick up truck with its superbly built seats, the outstanding shocks that keeps the ride smoother than any vehicle I've ever ridden in, and easy for a back patient to get up into, sitting high off the road--and a NEW truck, at that! I tell you, I declared it a miracle when "Edward" arrived. The excitement within my mind, heart, and soul could not be contained, and Edward and I had a marvelous conversation all the way through traffic-time-of-day making the return trip to my hermitage all the longer.
But I felt as wonderful as possible and even better than I had prior to entering his lovely truck! I love the spontaneity of God, of how He provides as He wills, when He wills, and I did not have to do a thing of any enforced meditating or type of technique to try to intentionally cause something to happen. I think it is the loving spontaneity of the Holy Spirit that excites me more than just about anything I can think of right now. God reminds me that He is in charge, He is all, and I am nothing--but a most beloved nothing, at that.
Of course I'll ask the Lord yet again if He has in mind for me removal of my physical pain, or if He wants me to take up breathing exercises which are used in Eastern meditation techniques, now increasingly westernized, and I am sure are healthy for the lungs and oxygenating the body, or whatever He wants of me if I am somehow missing His will, or His will has altered for me from what He's said, shown, allowed and not allowed thus far, in these past 35 years of much suffering.
My instincts, what comes to me and did after the phone conversation, are bits of Scripture. My yoke is easy, my burden is light. Remain in My love. Here I am, Lord, I have come to do Thy will. My heart seems full; I am content with my mission being that of suffering--reparative, vicarious, unitive, loving suffering. But if the Lord desires otherwise of me, I am waiting and willing--to be or do whatever He wills. Somehow, though--and it does not seem like lack of faith but more deep faith and trust--I will be very surprised if the Lord changes my status.
I had early this morning--prior to the man's fascinating and honestly marvelous, joyous life story of his mission as a healer and his own healing and being able to transcend physical pain--agreed to stop reaching into situations and of people who cannot seem to resist judging me. If the Lord wants otherwise, He will let me know. But the peace of the Holy Spirit is hard if not impossible to imitate, at least not over a period of time. Thankfully, I can in my hermit vocation become more hidden as far as my vocation, and to manifest to everyone, thereby, in whatever way the Lord desires, the interior aspects of the mystery of the Church: personal intimacy with Christ.
In fact, with both Lyft drivers, I was doing that--manifesting in my listening and sharing. Perhaps also somewhat, mostly in listening but in the couple or so questions I asked in the 3-way phone conversation this morning. I manifested interior aspects of the conjoined reality of love and suffering; I revealed in subtle ways, I hope in God, my personal intimacy with Christ.
We shall wait and see, won't we? Isn't waiting a most valuable aspect of this journey through, with, and in His Real Presence, the Most Holy Trinity? We desire, we ask, we pray, we listen, we wait, we offer, we strive. We learn, if not the perfect will of God, and we adjust and adapt. We desire, we ask, we pray, we listen, we wait, we offer, we strive, again. And paramount, we love God above all things and love others as He loves.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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