Mercy, Lord. Last night I did not take the night time additional medication; I decided to "cast the nets" in the deep waters of my severe spinal pain, to see if I've progressed enough to cut back on this one medication that I'd already deleted need of the day dose, about five weeks ago. Perhaps it is on this day that I would be able to manage the pain without the night time other medication?
A reason for wanting to abdicate the use of the night medication is that particular medication is not at all easy to get in generic form. The pharmaceutical companies do not send the generic to the stores because if they disallow those orders, the patient is forced to pay $285 instead of $75 for the medication. The insurance company will not pay for the medication; the patient must pay for either generic or trade name type, out-of-pocket.
Plus, I would love to be able to manage the pain with just the one medication of which I've been able--truly by the grace of God--to reduce to not quite half of what I had to be on in the hospital and following couple of weeks. While I will never be able to go without the medication, unfortunately, due to the arachnoiditis pain, I still hope in God for the strength and grace to manage this much-higher, post-surgery pain and lower the dose perhaps down to 3/4 of what I had to take at the peak.
I awoke this day with the pain out of control. I was in atrocious pain to the point that managing the pain included managing my anguished thoughts. Of course, I took the morning dose of the regular medication (which fortunately one can still get in generic form even though the price has doubled from two or three years ago). I had to increase the dose from what I'd lowered it, and I had to place myself prostrate in my mind, heart, and soul before the Lord, begging for help while waiting for the medication to take effect.
The process took a good while. During this time of agony, I prayed, asking the Lord to please somehow help my brain create more endorphins and dopamine. (These are chemicals that the brain produces to help our bodies to naturally handle pain; over years of intractable pain plus acute pain and increased pain tends to strip the brain's ability to produce as much as needed.)
I began asking help from St. Padre Pio, from my mother and father who are now in fullness of light on other side, and asked of help from my late spiritual director. Please be with me, please help me control the thoughts and manage this excruciating, pervasive pain enough until the pain medication takes effect. I thought of those on earth who matter in personal way, most: three adult children and their spouses, three grandchildren. Then I thought of some cousins and the one remaining aunt, now 96. I thought of long time friends, and then of all people who suffer greatly.
Once more I focused on Jesus Christ and His immense and unfathomable sufferings. For me to suffer is one thing, for I am imperfect. Yes, I also thought about how and what on earth I have done to merit such pain as this on-going trial of increasing pain with age; I wondered again if this level of pain is to be the new normal, and if so, again returned to begging God to please allow my body to create more endorphins and dopamine enough to adapt to this higher amount of physical pain.)
As to what I have done in my life--the sins and flaws, the errors in whatever choices--came back around in my mind to my being a human being who like all are imperfect and who sin, yet also that I have loved Jesus all my life and have embraced the Holy Trinity since first remembrance as a toddler, having Protestant Christian parents who had me baptized 12 days prior to my first birthday: In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The very name of the church we attended includes "Trinity" in it.
From the reality of my being a sinner in the Body of Christ--a most repentant sinner--I also considered that while it is due to sin that the human race suffers, it is also that God's view and use of suffering is not how we view suffering. I only have to meditate upon the life and suffering death of Jesus Christ to begin to understand the loving power in suffering that has a holy and useful point to it.
Suffering has meaning. Suffering is meritorious. Suffering is salvific. Suffering is cleansing and purifying. Suffering of Christ is what has saved all of humanity's souls now and forever more. Any who believe in Jesus Christ and follow Him are promised eternal life in the Holy Trinity. Life in Christ includes life in God the Father and in the Holy Spirit.
As I lay on the icy pad on this bed--my late parents when downsizing gave me the bed frame which was my paternal grandparents wedding bed--I considered the sufferings of my grandparents throughout their lives; I considered the pains of childbirth of my paternal grandmother and of the three babies born on this bed, and one being my dad.
I very much focused, again and more so, my thoughts on the life, persecutions, mission, and sufferings of Christ. I thought of the specific sufferings of St. Padre Pio. What had he done in his life to have deserved, brought about, or merited such sufferings? I was reminded of my Spiritual Da (priest who died after 72 years of holy priesthood) once saying, when wondering why Padre Pio had not already been canonized a saint, that perhaps it was due to Padre Pio being gruff and grumpy with people in the confessional and otherwise.
To that I had interjected my firm disagreement with the Da. Padre Pio had tremendous pain for 50 years from the five wounds of the visible, bleeding stigmata! Of course he'd be grumpy; he was given incredible spiritual graces but was also very much a human. The stigmata were not just "vanity wounds;" these were never-ceasing excruciatingly painful wounds. I remember the Spiritual Da considering what I said, and then nodding in agreement. See how we people do not fathom the reality of spiritual phenomenon as also having physical effect?
At some point in my pondering suffering while begging God to take pity on me and help endure my own over-the-top, morning suffering while pain medication slowly taking effect, I took comfort in the file folder containing my Vow of Consecration of Suffering and also my private Vow of Consecration to the Eremitical Life. In that comfort, I had the faith-filled reassurance that God has me covered; He has my "back", so to speak. I will be given all the graces to endure life's sufferings as well as whatever God's uses of the sufferings for His holy will and purposes.
I then realized, with the pain slowly beginning to be masked by nature-created medication--thanks be to God!--just how profoundly God guides my human and spiritual life through the journey to the other side of pain, to whatever all my God-given mission, in my from-birth mystic life through other phases including parent and for now 20 years of evolving Catholic hermit vocation--consecrated for nearly 19 years in the Consecrated Life of the Church, consecrated to Christ for 68 years and counting. On into infinity does my consecration in Christ extend.
I glanced over to the right of my head, and there propped against the side pillow along with my Breviary and books on St. Bernard of Clairvaux and the Holy Spirit, is my manilla file folder with the above mentioned vows, plus a couple of hand-written notations, one with a vow and consecration of my life as maidservant to the "Handmaid of the Lord"--the Most Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of the Church, Mother of Christ, Mother of us all.
The other scrap of paper in the file folder is a quote from St. Padre Pio. "Sin is a violation, a betrayal of Love."
I feel asleep wondering about sharing my Vow of Consecration of Suffering--the inclusive, specific wording--in a blog post. I don't know yet. I awoke around noon, time for next regular pain med dose. The terrible morning awakening pain now under control; I will pray for wisdom and prudence as to if I should eliminate the added pain medication for a second night. May God guide me in that decision by nightfall. He knows the difficulty the world imposes now, with such medications and why, and He alone knows what my body and mind, heart and soul can handle in levels of pain.
For now I have been up twice, changed out the thawed water bottles and placed hard-frozen water bottles in the ice pump. I walked around the house with necessary duties of minimal self-sufficiency; ate a slice of bread with smashed avocado, finished a banana, drank a mug of coffee with calcium-rich almond drink. Have been on the icy pad on the bed, writing thoughts based upon "this day."
For I found a selection from The Catechism of the Catholic Church to be worthwhile and significant, given all that "this day" and all days have for you readers as well as for me.
"2836 'This day' is also an expression of trust taught us by the Lord, which we would never have presumed to invent. Since it refers above all to his Word and to the Body of his Son, this 'today' is not only that of our mortal time, but also the 'today' of God.
'If you receive the bread each day, each day is today for you. If Christ is yours today, he
rises for you every day. How can this be? 'You are my Son, today I have begotten you.'
Therefore, 'today' is when Christ rises.
We also, we lovers and followers of Christ, rise today and each day. Whether we receive in tangible form or in mystical communion the Bread of Christ, His Real Body and Blood, Christ is ours today; He rises for us every day. Today is when Christ and you and I in Him, rise.
I am reminded of that sparkling, lyrical, truth written essentially in Deuteronomy 1, in Psalm 95, and in Hebrews 3, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts...." This day is today. The Lord will see us through it by His love and grace. He leads us on into the tomorrow that will be this day.
[I'd like mention to any of my dear blog readers who have evidently noticed that what I write provides content and ideas for another online blog writer. This situation is nothing new. I do not mind at all being the driver of the conversation; I am humbly honored. I'm thankful if another finds holy interest in my spiritual journey and thoughts on-going as a consecrated Catholic hermit. I am honored if another finds points of disagreement or even to insinuate with name-calling. It means what I write is of fascination to this person and a couple others for whatever purposes. I do not read what this other person writes. It had become predictable. For the Lord to progress and to inform my soul, I am to focus on reading Scripture, factual Church writings, the writings of the saints--hermits and otherwise, the writings of those lived, died, and risen holy ones and their directors. I'm all in for the Holy Trinity, for the Holy Catholic Church, and for what God lovingly provides in and for my life and soul in spiritual progression. Pray for me that I continue to live and write genuinely, honestly, with courage and grace despite being an imperfect human being: a Catholic, a mystic, a hermit consecrated in the life of the Church, a sufferer, parent, grandparent, friend, a relative, a spiritual child of God, and a member of His Body, the Church. Yes, please just pray for me. I am most humbly grateful for you readers' anonymous, spiritual friendship and prayers.]
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