The past several days have been lived in a type of heightened love and joy and at the same time in the emptying aspects of suffering. This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has lost from earth its most Dearest Spiritual Da.
While one can rejoice so fully and know that this holy priest's soul is in ecstasy of heaven, it is taking some adaptation here on earth to sift through the surge of beautiful memories as well as times of confessing sins to the huge vault the priest was in life--as well as a fountain of mercy flowing through him from Christ.
Yes, I've been reminded of the graces and also the times in which I confessed my sins of which, of course, I so wished I'd not committed. Yet all through the past nearly 24 years, this nothing that I am, was and still is so blessed to have encountered this priest and to have him be my spiritual father, my Spiritual Da, my anam cara, as he said we were and I hope, still are, forever.
What are the odds of him being where I'd moved and converted to the faith? I recall the first time I saw him, and then the first time I met him personally, and the revealing conversation we had. From that point forth, he counseled, taught, guided, blessed, graced, provided sacraments, and rejoiced--and endured the countless escapades and scrapes I'd get myself into, or which otherwise in some instances, would befall me.
When I got word of his failing rapidly, I considered, of course, getting there right away, even though we are physically a distance apart now. Yet the Lord thought otherwise, for I had prayed for God's will in undertaking the travel and cost, and the unknowns. Within a couple hours, I was entering into a pain siege on Thursday evening.
I had my answer, for then. By Saturday night, I started to feel better and checked air fares and thought again of getting there, the next day, regardless of cost! But the pain increased, radiating from low back into stomach and intestines. I could not sleep due to such pain, despite medications.
Finally around 3:30 a.m. on St. Patrick's Day, I was able to sleep. It was as if the body were relieved of not only the more intense physical pain, but also the flood of thoughts of my dearest spiritual Da and what he was going through, what he might be experiencing. Sleep came to this nothing.
Upon awakening, there was a text from a friend. "Your wish has been granted." I knew immediately the dearest Da had passed from this life, for I had been asking Jesus for a special grace, to let St. Patrick's Day be his. Of course, Jesus did not need my wish expressed; I found out a couple days later that even ten years ago or so, the Spiritual Da had mentioned to someone at the convent that he hoped to die on St. Patrick's Day. His wish was granted.
I then still wished I could be back there, even for his wake, or the Mass of Celebration of his life. Yet, another issue was involved, and that is someone who Father had told me about the last time I saw him, who has been intensely envious of his being my spiritual Da, even though he has guided this person for years, also. Nonetheless, the person needed it, according to Father, to be "just him and her." I decided to let it be that, for these final events of his earthly body's journey into the earth.
The other aspect that my nothingness had to consider, is the reality that I did not at all desire to not be hidden, to emerge from my anonymous hermit life, when God has given me the grace to experience much in the Holy Spirit. Thus, I remained in Spirit during his wake as well as during his Mass this morning, and through his interment.
At some point, God willing and body able, I will in person go to his grave site in honor and appreciation, with no one knowing. I will not then be an upset to the person who know longer needs to be envious (and never did, of course), nor will I be seen nor heard by other than His Real Presence in Whose Presence is the Dearest Spiritual Da, right now!
As for this holy priest's influence on others, he had many, many spiritual sons and daughters over the 71 1/2 years as an ordained priest! He was available for anyone, and his far-reaching influence even though he remained humble and self-effacing, even hidden in his later years himself--will never be known to any of us, really, other than we know his spiritual influence vast. And we are all--all of us even though we do not know who all--are ever grateful.
Thanks be to God for this priest exemplar! God bless His Real Presence in you, Dearest Spiritual Da!
Forever and Eternally! God bless His Real Presence in you!
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