First is Fr. V's encouragement yesterday from Africa.
"Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, and we are once again reminded of our nothingness. For you there is nothing to remind; you have been living the way of the cross, all you need is the grace of perseverance. I pray that it will be a period of true spiritual renewal for all of us. May God continue to keep you in His love. Joy in His Real Presence, Fr. V."
Today there was Angel (parish visitor) coming with ashes and Holy Communion. Highlight of the day! We had brief discussion, and I have greater input on her teen son and his situation which is a sorrow that no child should have to go through when he was quite young. God will provide grace!
Then as I was stirring courage in preparation for the epidural injections at the hospital tomorrow, another flash back occurred. (I've not had good "sensing" about the wisdom of having these epidurals, given a bad experience years ago and a terrible reaction a week ago, yet the doctor yesterday felt I should proceed.) I was telling myself that at least I'd be in a hospital, and to remember the death therapy I had in the last 5 1/2 years in recent hermitage.
So then the flashback, and it was of the bishop who was at the time my spiritual director several years ago, when the mystical ecstasies began occurring during Mass. He wanted me to try standing or even walking around in the back of the chapel during Mass. He had consulted some archbishop or such, and they decided that I could make them go away. He said if I did not do as he asked, it would prove that I wanted these states, despite the reality that I did not and had prayed and done all other that the bishop suggested. So I decided to obey.
I've written elsewhere what happened, causing two shoulder surgeries that I had to pay for as at the time I was yet ineligible for health insurance due to pre-existing condition of my spinal injury and loss of career which had included insurance. Ultimately, the bishop, while sorry for what occurred, and no, the ecstasies did not stop, he ended up being taciturn and frustrated; he admitted it was too much for him, the spiritual experiences and my mystical life. Soon after, he was plucked out of this life.
So I felt this morning the same as I did when feeling I must obey the bishop. I felt as if I must obey the doctor, for he'd think I was not willing to do just anything to get the pain reduced.
The phone rings. It is the hospital calling. They are so sorry, but they had a dilemma regarding my procedures tomorrow morning. One of the medications that is necessary for the injection, is not available anywhere in the country. They have no idea when it will become available again, and there is no substitute they can use for it. God was preserving me! He stopped the procedure, and for who knows how long I will be preserved from what I increasingly sensed was going to be a disaster.
I was able to get my chiropractor appointment scheduled as well as the appointment for special brace the doctor has ordered--all set for tomorrow now.
Then I was able to make headway with a problem I'm spiritually and temporally sensing needs to be addressed and hopefully resolved this Lent, and the sooner the better. God provides!
Another blessing occurred with my being able to get a printer at half-price, as I need one to proceed with various endeavors and situations. And when I returned to Solus Deus Hermitage, the door bell rang. It was two neighbor children asking me to sponsor the younger for donations to the American Health Association. She had a lovely speech prepared, and she melted my heart with her pledge to be physically active for 60 solid minutes each day.
Her older brother was with her, and I asked if he'd be interested in helping me from time to time, for pay, of course. His eyes lit up, and he enthusiastically said "YES!" He has an older sibling, so perhaps the two of them can help me set up the power saws. I want to build a platform for plywood so that I can sleep on wood (need it for my pained back--not a pious ascetic practice; God provides the asceticism He wills, naturally) but be up high enough to appreciate the view out the back.
While praising God for all these blessings on Ash Wednesday, He reminded me that He does so because I notice the details of His gifts to me when I'm alert and listening and in His Love. Otherwise, so many distractions can get in the way. Plus, He pointed out that likewise, I must notice Him in the sufferings and trials, and to be alert also to the devils machinations; they are real.
Then, He let me know that these blessings are given today, the first day of Lent, as graces to build me up to endure what can be a very long and arduous season of being stripped, of penance, of great sorrow of Christ's suffering and death, and then the joy of His resurrection! Jesus is Savior of souls! He is victor of all humanity and redeemer for anyone who in faith believes and follows Him!
I pray that these Ash Wednesday Blessings are not forgotten, and that I call upon the strength therein when the Lenten days and weeks grow long and challenging, through whatever the Lord knows that I need in the furtherance of my soul's purification. I so long for union with Christ!
God bless His Real Presence in us, and Blessed Ash Wednesday and meaningful Lent!
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