Even the first coat of paint in Te Deum Hermitage living room (dubbed Living Waters by couple who brings Communion on Sundays), just seems "off"in color compared to adjoining walls.
I mix Super White with Manchester Tan, but this time I neglected to remember that in prior mixing for other rooms, I used Aura and Regal; in this room I mixed both colors in Regal level of paint (Benjamin Moore brands). Maybe there is something a tad "off" due to the slight variation in paint grades? Or perhaps it is also due to less lighting in the living room than the kitchen-back sitting area in which there is more light and vaulted, white-plank ceilings.
The sense of something being a bit "off", I realized, is a signal more so to reflect on my vocation, as lately I came to what seems a fork in the road in some relationships. They seemed "off", as well. And upon further review, I realized my vocation had floated outside the narrow stream, and it was "off"--not a lot, but needs review, narrowing, correction.
In two relationships that began more as answering spiritual questions and teaching whatever tips I could in turning to Christ increasingly, implementing Church teachings and the Living Word (Scriptures) into everyday life dilemmas--the relationships had widened into therapy.
And I did my best for quite a long time, using the clinical psychology skills I'd learned in over half a doctorate in course work and hours of internship work I'd done in the past. I also tried to keep pointing the persons to the spiritual view, to the Scriptures, to what saints might be quite helpful even though increasingly their issues dealt with temporal problems.
When others we love have chronic issues to which they want suggestions but for whatever reasons cannot seem to deal with the issues or try suggestions, what can one do?
Just pray.
Return to the Lord, ask for His Wisdom. Place our cares upon the Lord and lean not unto our own understanding.
Traditionally, from hermits of yore of whom I've read their lives and their writings, there were some words of spiritual benefit given to those who would come and ask. But the hermits did not allow dependency on the hermit but rather a sense of detachment with turning those others to the Lord and being firm in that turning.
Hermits are hermits for various reasons. The Lord knows how He wills the hermit's life to be structured and lived. I am learning along the way, these 17 years since profession of vows. Am still learning!
This morning another prayer need came from an elderly couple. The man is having an unexpected cross to bear having to do with mind more than body. Not even what one would expect such as dementia; not that. Prayer concerns came from Fr. V. in Africa; I'd not heard from him in several months, and his email was filled with serious prayer needs for persons and their souls.
The praying continues for the concerns the couple mentioned of their contacts--people in need, mentioned when they came to paint. And of course I pray for those whom I'd needed to send forth on their own, telling them to focus on God and their married vocations, for, yes, I had inadvertently but assuredly strayed from my hermit vocation and need to correct and focus.
The words of St. Paul to Timothy made me realize I need to ask the Lord for this particular fruit of the Holy Spirit: self-control. "For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control.
I stopped in my thought-tracks and prayed, asking for self-control. I had not been utilizing this tremendous gift, this virtue. I'd gotten myself frustrated in my ensnarement in the frenetic conditions of those whom I had not responsibly kept from dependency. The lines of spiritual guidance blurred; my prayer life hindered by too much temporal detail and psychological disturbance.
At least for my hermit life, despite perhaps other hermits feeling more called to take on "clients" in long-term direction or counseling, I am to remain more hidden yet open to a multitude of prayer concerns of which the Lord brings, yet with the type of detachment that allows others to hopefully take what few bits of wisdom the Holy Spirit might relay through me to them, and thus to enable others to be on their ways with the spiritual means to manage their temporal lives and carry their earthly crosses.
I recall the time a decade or more ago in which my spiritual director told me he'd taken me as far as he knew, and that it was time I applied what I'd been taught and lean upon the Lord for guidance henceforth. We would be instead of director and directee, anam cara.
I recall reading that when Padre Pio was not allowed his spiritual director any longer; no more correspondence or contact would he have with the priest and spiritual father of whom he had become dependent. Yes, Padre Pio did grieve that loss. But God provides otherwise; ultimately, God is our guide and is best to be. Or if other type of counseling is needed for various other reasons, we must seek out the proper help to progress.
The elderly man for whom I am asked to pray, along with his family members trying to cope with the unexpected mental state, are frustrated with having to wait two more weeks for an appointment with a psychiatrist. We never know, no matter how old nor how faithful we have been in life, what life events will cause us unexpected crosses to bear.
In all this, I continue to pray and ask the Lord to help me review the phases and development of my hermit vocation and to accept His will and way that it is to unfold and be lived. Regardless of what others may think or live their various vocations, even of my fellow consecrated Catholic hermits--I must listen and be in tune with the signs and signals from God that will guide and inform my path.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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