Today the pain was not so sickening other than cannot really use the right hand in order to do manual labor. There was a brief respite in storms, thus pain a bit less.
I still pushed through to sand and paint one side of two doors. That was it, other than walking to mailbox.
In the mailbox: a letter from my spiritual father. He is suffering plenty, also, but he mentioned he'd come across a thought about saints.
"A saint is someone who keeps trying."
Those simple words and thought brought encouragement. For trying is about all I think I am able to "do". I try to pray. I try to not lose sanity when the pain gets too high. I try to not despair. I try to remain in the present moment. I try to think of others even if it means using news reports these days to pray specifically; there are many victims in our world. So I do try. I try to ponder the Mass readings each day, and I try to think about Jesus and His teachings and life example, as well as His Real Presence in this hermitage and within me, with me within Him.
The other stand-out the spiritual father wrote is this: Perfection occurs in heaven.*
That takes a load off. Sometimes I can feel very much that I have not cooperated enough with God's will, and those thoughts can come more often when ill with pain. Yet, I do know my sins in life have hindered, and while forgiven, thankfully so by God--there are consequences of weakness such as not being strong in following God's will as opposed to my own.
Regardless of my own extraneous commentary, I was uplifted by the letter today; and in that letter also are many aspects for which I can pray for my spiritual father and his own great suffering.
I will keep trying. Lately the reality of the on-going nature of the severe pain sieges on top of the constancy of pain, makes the future yet more the challenge. I've come to a point in this particular pain siege, that I am not "eager" for another adventure, for the next "chapter". I'm humanly weary of suffering!
Yet I, like everyone, of course, must keep going, must live out the responsibilities and existence of our temporal lives, chapter by chapter, adventure after adventure until no more. In what attitude one approaches on-going suffering into new phases, chapters, adventures, is left by God to us.
Yet we must keep trying. Right now I remind myself of a young cousin, five days older than me, who died of bone cancer at age 18, after a brief illness. I always desired to live my life for Philip--a life he did not have on this earth. Yet despite the desire to do so, I know of many instances in which I did not live it well, did not make the wisest of decisions. Yet in all, there have been good intentions, and prayer--even if I did not necessarily listen to answers when young, or discerned the answers in my own terms....
But in this present moment, I will keep trying.
Last night, the Lord blessed me with a wonderful, spiritual dream. It has been awhile; but how helpful, and the dream has pointed me to a direction even though I must continue to try to finish up here with the temporal efforts, even if for now they are at a near standstill due to pain.
Keep trying, and know that perfection will come in heaven.
*While we hopefully in this life desiring perfection and cooperating with the process of being perfected, the completion or occurrence of actual perfection comes in heaven.
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