While yet again today I am reminded of self to not mention the h-word in my writing, which can rile and irk some, I have read a most loving tribute written by another approved h in another location. In reading through the h's writing, which included back-history of the h and how all evolved over time, I had such relief that I had heeded the sign of lack of inner peace of the Holy Spirit and remained as God wills of me. All the more, public recognition would have been quite wrong for what is my purpose and mission for which God created me. Everyone is created by God with a God-imparted purpose and mission!
I do experience all over again, the great relief of being told to continue living my life as called and reminded that the legal recognition just that, official, and does not validate the h vocation. Along with the relief and the assurance both ecclesial and spiritually within with the inner peace restored--despite the awe-fulness of severe pain of body that wreaks havoc with my headache too intense and kind of being all-over-the-place in the past few days with some emails I would have been as well not even attempted in explanations--I do feel very sorry that I came unglued in writing of the frustrations in the vicissitudes and variances in interpretations and lived examples of h vocation, approved format.
Now when I read of those approved and ways their h lives are lived, I see nothing but humans who love the Lord striving to live what they are able to live even if more like a religious order life or not so much of solitude or hiddenness. They are serving the Lord in the ways able according to personalities and temperaments and other factors temporal that we human beings have that make us who we are. The inconsistencies to the h law or other church writings pertaining to what h vocation is to be, we can in these h's defense point out that it really does not matter other than to the individual, and the h vocation is altered anyway in the various ways of which I've written previously.
Those who strive to live it in more silence of solitude and hiddenness, more withdrawal from the world, might not be so practiced or disciplined in prayer life or such. And not being part of what was frustrating to me now I can look upon with compassion and appreciation for the freedom of h's and however and whatever directions they take and live their lives. They love the Lord and are dedicated to living their lives for HIm. It does not matter if it does not really adhere to a law in all or even most aspects; the intentions of those who are recognized as h's, surely is that of love and desire to serve Him.
And thankfully, those who for God's reasons and theirs, are best able to live the life in more silence of solitude and hiddenness, more withdrawal from the world, are allowed by their bishop and encouraged by priests to do so. Somehow, in all this, God works it out for the best of those who love Him and give their all to Him.
I get tempted to write the h and mention just how lovely the tribute, but my angel warns best to just let it all ride, not stir curiosity or reminder of my existence. I am to remain hidden and silent and in solitude, and do very much need to improve my own "game" as in the basketball analogy for what is my purpose and mission, of which the h vocation is my vehicle, thankfully all right to proceed in the way God deems best for His very good reasons and best for me, as well, in striving to fulfill His mission.
We all have different missions, and some h's who are officially recognized are likely living them in more silence of solitude, withdrawal from the world, and hidden from the eyes of others as is how I'm to do. However, we none of us know when God might have any one or other by temporal circumstances, need to be more noticed or recognized, or less withdrawn, or not have the silence or the solitude.
I don't mean to be flippant with the phrase "to each his own," but I am coming to appreciate that there is allowance for such variance in the h vocation despite a specific law. It is actually a peaceful thing to me now, to know that there is much flexibility, as laws can tend to bring out rigidity and judgment, of which Jesus reminds us in Scriptures to not judge others. So I applaud it all, now that I am also allowed to live the h vocation as God called, yet can remain totally hidden and turn now to the new direction of the mission more than the vehicle for my existence in striving to fulfill a mission requiring for me the protection from the world that the h-vocation may provide to some more than others in varying aspects and degrees.
I'm seeing that the variances, when judgment is removed, are positives and allow an h to develop individually. I do take matters very seriously, and my intensity in reading and studying the saint hermits of yore for all these years, perhaps got in the way of flexibility which is always bishops' prerogative, and I can see in my instance is a relief and blessing for me, as well!
In listening more to Dr. McGinn in yet another talk on mystics and mysticism, a question is raised by someone in the audience as to those who promote themselves, particularly a woman, as this or that. The conversation prompts what one would choose to promote oneself as, and the added question of why such as a woman would feel the need to do so.
I am realizing that has been the divisive problem with one h who has developed an authority, promoted that type of authority as legal and approved by law, therefore having certain rights and position. The self-promotion goes to a point of seeming desire to compete with the priesthood, and of an h law providing a sense of ordination of sorts, and of mentioning from time to time of writing "homilies" that the female h will evidently preach.
This helps me understand, along with the tripartite aspect that I am understanding and gaining insights, of not only of religion and I think, also, of each human and of course of God in Three Persons, but when one aspect gets out of balance or one remains in a more temporal level of that aspect, what is it really worth? Of what usefulness is it other than of temporal and limited, at that? What St. Thomas More so famously in his trial, when back-stabbed by another who was given then a position in the institutional, temporal aspect of Church: What profits a man [or woman] to gain the world but to lose his soul? And then More added on, but for Wales? (Wales was the diocese or area the traitor to More had been given in exchange for causing the execution of Sir Thomas More.
I suppose at base and root of the differences some have with others in life, is that of balance of the three elements such as of religion: institution, intellectual, and mystical. When a person (or the church, it can be) has one or two of the three heavily weighted, and particularly more temporally so, or the person is not able to perceive with the inner senses, or the ego and intellect have not been reduced of which much detachment and humility are necessary, then creating an authority and relevance through outer means even if they have spiritual import sometimes brought forth in a type of self-justification or to spiritualize the self, is important to the person. That will not allow for understanding or accepting others who allow God to be the authority and relevance, and who are satisfied with God giving the approval if any ever really necessary.
That type of security in what is not temporal can be a constant pebble or rock in the shoe of one who has more a need whether consciously aware of it or not, to self-promotion for temporal authority and more temporal type recognition and approval even if the latter is meted out by someone with stature or position in the church. One can never know but by the fruit, for at what level might a person needing more external locus of control is able to spiritualize or have a living awareness of the Divine is of course what God would know for sure, or as a surgeon might say of scan of lungs showing suspicious, shadows in lung, "I can only say for sure by doing a biopsy."
What all these added thoughts provide is for me or any of us to examine ourselves, our motives, our needs as persons or if more as spiritual beings who desire more God than this world and all in it. This examination does well to include honest discernment of what these aspects mean to us, the level of need, and what we are willing to do to have them either in the temporal or the spiritual world: reputation, approval, authority, position, prestige, and possession of what others may have, such as gender and religious vocations. An example can be women in one religious system such as Eastern Orthodox or Western Catholic in which males only are priests with ordination and their duties include that of writing and preaching homilies. Some are more needy in those aspects and as if not satisfied with what their gender allows in certain aspects of the temporal world including that of various institutions therein.
So I come to these (and perhaps more) questions. "What is of God and holiness, what is of eternal meaning and worth? What is it that will allow me to be prepared for indwelling of the Holy Trinity, of being subsumed into His Real Presence now and for eternity?" Then I ask myself, "Do I really need a canon law to officially recognize a vocation of which God Himself chose and recognizes me? What if my bishop allows the vocation and says continue living it as I have been? And that a canon law does not validate the vocation but simply officially recognizes it from the stated law?
It seems to me that the bishop is far more within and aware of the depth of God's actual real presence, thinking with the heart and grasping the balance necessary in the Church of institution, intellectual, and mystical. But more so, there is an unspoken recognition of and by God that makes official and reminds us of the overhead path, of that of always seeking and choosing God's in His Spirit and Christ in the present moment, over whatever our temporal, human needs or even our intelligent thinking convinces us that we ought have or have right to have. Choose always God and less man; choose God and less temporal; choose God in the mystical over institution and intellect. Have the priority always be above all and before self: God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
God bless us h's, every one!
And God bless His Real Presence in us!
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