Continuing the preparation which has transpired in these days between Ascension Thursday and Pentecost Sunday. The Lord has provided quite a bit of clearing away that which He does not will for me in the major life spiritual new direction.
There has been closure with a major situation from which I detached, and I've learned through a little experimentation of what my role is (listener and small bit of temporal advice if asked, and to pray for what the persons ask or need) in a few relationships. I also have been shown in dreams other aspects of what I can term my new "marching orders" for what God wills of me and how He will utilize me.
While I have shared in writing as a consecrated Catholic hermit, that reality has not changed. Thankfully, my bishop is not requiring that I become a diocese hermit but am able to continue living my vocation as I have been. I realize I have recently stated that those discerning a hermit vocation ought accept the CL603 as the way now and forward, and I still personally think that will likely be the case in most if not all dioceses, I also have recommended that those discerning a hermit vocation still consult with their diocese bishops to ask what he desires.
And that includes, though, of letting a bishop know aspects of yourself so that if the process itself involves aspects that one is not free to answer or divulge oneself, then the bishop can grasp that if God prefers for His purpose for that hermit, to not be publicly professed nor with intermediaries involved and decide accordingly. In my case (and in looking back years in my other blogs), my current bishop decided nearly verbatim what another bishop once determined as well as his vicar general: the canon law is not necessary for me; I am to live my vocation as I have been and as obviously what God wills.
I suspect that if one has not already been a hermit for two decades, that the privately professed form of the vocation will not be what bishops will desire. And I thus think it best to seek the bishop's will and thinking in this matter, regardless. In my case, there was the matter of the mystical experiences and God's actually choosing the hermit life for me for various reasons that were not so much to revolve around as a purpose or mission in itself, nor for me to write of hermits ad infinitum, but the vocation is the vehicle the Lord chose for me as a means for Him to utilize me as a mystic in His Church. And, the Lord is using me, also, as a victim soul of Christ Jesus and for His Church.
The hermit vocation is specifically structured to carry me through life more securely and hidden so that I can fulfill the mission God has for me. That mission is beyond identity or writing of hermits and the canon law pertaining to hermits. So as my bishop wisely wrote to me, the CL603 does not validate the vocation; it is but an "official" recognition. Even writing of this can create consternation in those who take it to a more encompassing level beyond being a vehicle for one's spiritual life journey.
So I cannot remain writing this blog, for my mission requires other than hermit topic writing; and my writing is not helped by the negativity that has occurred over 13 years from a CL603 hermit. I also need anonymity of which I do not have writing on this blog. Partly that includes those one or two know me and who asked me my blog name years ago, and so on occasion read it. But that makes it not totally anonymous.
What the Lord is leading me into is beyond what I could write freely from the heart without anonymity. The mission involves aspects of the spiritual life in which a known "messenger" can get in the way of the content. I'm not even sure "what" I am to write other than to write, and to write it from the heart, and in my own words as guided by the Holy Spirit if I will be let the Spirit lead!
I had written to (yes, I'm cheeky but had a deep urge to do so--cast the net!) a scholar and theologian who I happened to find a university email. I shared some of my situation including aspects of the last 25 years as a Catholic convert, a mystic, a victim soul, and for the past 20 years living these aspects as a hermit, in the hermit vocation, which has no reason to not continue--but with my entire view and focus changed radically! I asked this expert for "a word"--what desert hermits would walk miles to seek out an older, wiser hermit and ask for advice. I thought I needed advice on my writing, more specific as to venue, genre, approach in content.
I did not expect any response; for all I knew this leading expert might not even check university email address or if did, not often, for is not actively teaching now. But I did get a response! And amidst some comments most helpful, including was not surprised by the amount of opposition I have received in my spiritual/mystical life, he said that sadly, even in our times, the clergy carries doubts and is not accepting much of those given mystical graces. But he concluded by giving what came to him to advise me: Depend on the Spirit.
Through this preparation time period, preparing me to transition, and be transformed in God in whatever His will to fulfill my mission--these four words are immensely pivotal and life-altering. They follow upon the three words from Fr. V. a couple or so weeks ago which also are so meaningful and simple, that they are as if partner to this new advice. My life must cling to, live out, to do and more so to be: Focus on Jesus and Depend on the Spirit. The focus on Jesus is the basis of the what and way, and the depend on the Spirit is the means by which I will know the what and way.
Thus, I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring other than the certainty that the Spirit of God is going to make "official" my transition over and through. I have already promised God to not so much as to step my toe back over into the temporal Catholic world, in practicality of function, involvement, and also not to seek from bishops or parish priests guidance for this is not their bailiwick--not their area of interest, expertise, scholarship, or jurisdiction of what their vocations need to be in terms of being and doing and leading for what most Catholics need and rightfully so. The temporal Catholic world is necessary and beautiful, and if kept in balance of institution, intellect, and mystical--it is fruitful and glorious.
As Jesus said to Martha when she was upset and wanted Him to make Mary get up from her spot at His feet in rapt attention of listening to the Lord with all her mind, heart, and soul--wanted Mary to help her with the functional good of temporal world duties and activities, the Lord responded. "Martha, Martha, you are busy about many things, but Mary has chosen the better part."
In my life it is that God has chosen me for this other part, I suppose if nothing other than to be placed in the third part so as to help balance out the other two parts some. I have no idea of how or what exactly, or why the Lord has some more extreme than others in this third part. But I must stop trying to be other than what I am and to what He calls me to be. My physical pain is too fatiguing now, and I do not have the energy for other than the very few the Lord has given me to interact with in listening and sometimes a little contact in phone conversation.
It takes energy and can be like work to listen to the needs of those called to be mostly in the temporal, active world--again a most beautiful and necessary world. And I want to do a good job of being for those very few the Lord gave me --mainly my three children and three grandchildren should they want of me a loving and listening ear, or some little task or favor that I can provide in whatever ways helpful for them. There also are the extraneous contacts that come, of which the last few days I've experimented and found that I am not to bother trying to share of myself but to listen, and if need be to keep my comments or part of me at the temporal, for I do very much live in the temporal and can discuss what topics others may wish, of course. I can do that a little; I do not have energy any more bodily or otherwise, to do it much.
So that leaves me with fulfilling what the Lord may want of writing and the content of that writing, to be anonymously so, and my little place to express my existence and the Lord's messages and ways in which He comes into a person's temporal, daily life as well as a person's spiritual life, and how over time the soul is transformed in God's presence in very real ways temporally, spiritually, and mystically.
My hermit vocation remains intact; my consecration as a Catholic hermit remains intact--even if there are those more inclined institutionally or intellectually to think that is only reserved for CL603 hermits. But that is merely due to the differences in perceiving and understanding consecration in one or other of the three parts of elements of religion: institution, intellectual, and mystical. So those not perceiving from mystical will never understand how a Catholic hermit who is not by the institution nor the intellect/legalism could possibly be consecrated if not by the canon law 603.
But my whole life is to stop loitering in these other parts and must transition over, and I admit I am more than eager for I've finally totally accepted myself as God created and asks of me to be and if there is anything of "doing," I will depend on the Spirit! I must focus on Jesus, and depend on the Spirit! What specifically I write will depend on the Spirit, what venue, genre, style, vocabulary, content will depend on the Spirit. Who calls or emails will depend on the Spirit. Any of my physical life will depend on the Spirit. All of my focus will be on Jesus, finding Jesus in all, including the garage I need to somehow get organized and make space and get help for some heavy lifting involved. It is akin to omnia pro Deo: all for God. Insert into all I do for God, to do it with focus on Jesus.
Adieu, dear readers! I will pray for you all, and please pray for me! This blog will remain as will my other blogs, for whomever comes upon them. I know many of them were not well-written and were not pertinent to much other than what was not so much focus on Jesus, no doubt, and of my sinful self, my distractions by this or that issue going on in daily life. These occurred in abundance when I was not willing to transition from where God did not want or need me for his purpose and and mission for me.
I certainly tried harder than what others would put into it, to keep knocking and then pushing on doors God had closed--and trying other similar doors in other locations--good try! But I was always putting what seemed logical from an institution and intellectual view and practice of what one think surely must be. From the mystical view, God's purpose and mission for some, defies the institution and intellectual views and rationale.
So, adieu. This blog has been my longest-running blog--filled with the worst of me and I hope in God sometimes the better part of my human personhood! And, God bless His Real Presence in us!
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