It's been a rough time of it lately. The phone appointment came and went, and I felt a bit at peace for a few minutes following; but the overriding effect was the reality that there is a misconnect of someone such as myself with a parish priest who is incredibly gifted and talented--a dream of leadership abilities and style so effective that I've not witnessed the like thus far in known-to-me parishes. However, it is not efficient for parish priests, even gifted ones, to spend time trying to guide a Catholic mystic, for one thing; the hermit part is probably the easier portion.
But I see the point of the situation I'm in being one of a win-win, in the priest's way of viewing it--which did not deal with the mystical reality and aspects so was a pie-wedge portion. The process is typical; that is agreed upon. The underlayment of the situation was not much addressed other than I know for myself and relayed it, that it is as it is, and that's the way forward. Something never intended to be regulated is regulated; so be it. Amen. One goes along to get along, and the win-win part is that either way it goes, I must find positives.
I tend to always find positives in whatever situations (adventures, escapades, ordeals...). The higher-level, on-going pain plus whatever this period of coming toward the end of another metamorphosis process spiritually, has been arduous and fatiguing. I'm nearing conclusion of being in the cocoon phase; it's becoming tight, painful, squished, and wanting to break out, break free and be done with cocoons.
Then the butterfly phase will come; it always does. It will seem fresh and new, some morning or afternoon or night when the "aha" moment erupts and all is clear and the Lord is revealed in glory and wonder--and I wonder why I was so pent up and feeling so suffocatingly trapped. The cocoon is forgotten! The wings unfurl, dry off, and begin to flutter, and off I fly freely with joy and great expectation of the fresh winging of delight in sense of strength in ability to conquer all in Christ's love and power!
Then there will be the fatigue and slowing, the darkness approaching, the pain and added suffering, the dying, the death. I will wonder how I could have forgotten this part of the process? The darkness spreads and extends and surrounds; after awhile I get used to it some--adapt. I'm in the cocoon. The cocoon becomes comfortable enough. I don't mind now being enclosed and limited...until it starts to get old and cramped, and the mind casts about for escape and ends up going into the past, the memories, the sufferings, the questioning, the finding of circumspect reality.
That's the cycle, over and over and over. Toward the end of the cocoon phase, the pressure builds, and one has no sense of outcome other than wanting it over with. There is temptation to hasten the breaking free from the cocoon, of sabotaging the outcome just to finish it off, to be done with it, not be a butterfly pinned to a specimen board when caught, but to just keep flying in delight and joy of freedom to be what butterflies seem meant to be for their time of butterflying before the wings weaken, droop, and flutter no more, and then death.
So I read over, way back, writings of years ago. I'd forgotten the pain of various situations as well as many of the visions and locutions. In retrospect, reading past into old-present, into not as far past but still past, into more old-present, I could see God's ordaining all of what were torturous metamorphoses, one after another. It was as if I was reading someone else's both painful ordeals and glorious adventures.
In correspondence for the past few days, I'd vent the anguish of what is toward the end of this cocoon experience, for this cycle, this metamorphosis. I'm receiving prayers for the plight. I received an accurate reminder and assessment, of which today I'd come around, also, to accepting all over again. The crux of the matter really has to do with being a mystic; the hermit part is not the issue as much as is the mystic reality.
Mystics simply do not do well at all in parishes, nor will there be likely a parish priest who has the background, or if some interest or general knowledge, is not geared nor called to deal with mystics. The parish priest is trained and called to deal with the temporal and active and normal, non-mystic-type Catholics.
And hermits really ought not be involved in parishes other than to pass unnoticed to and from Mass, provided the hermit is able to be at Mass and get to a parish for Mass, or if a monastery near enough, even better to go and come to a monastery Mass. A parish priest ought not have to deal with a hermit much, either. A hermit is consecrated to Christ and a gift to the Church, actually the universal Church, not limited, not specific; the hermit's life is devoted to praise of God and prayers for the salvation of the world. That is broad and deep: vast, beyond specification and temporal locale.
A parish priest is called to shepherd a fullsome flock of all types, and if a hermit is one of the sheep, it is the least of them, the hidden one, not needing to be seen nor heard; for a hermit is to be a silent preaching of Christ, not a noticed bleating, old sheep--and also not a lamb. Hermits have been sheep for a long time by the time they are hermits. And if the hermit is also a victim soul, a suffering servant, that facet, also, by virtue of being an older sheep and versed by then in suffering and in being hidden and silently praising and praying and preaching Christ without bleating, the parish priest ought be efficiently utilizing time and talent with the fullsome flock of lambs, ewes, rams of all ages, needs--all breeds and types, bleating and all else of typical sheep.
I've already provided answers to various questions which was made simple enough by cutting-and-pasting what I've written years ago. Some aspects do not change in the wording--only in the living out over years upon years. I was asked of things not in the rather simple law itself; but they are aspects I've written of years ago, so sent all that pertains. The exercise was positive enough for it was a review and thus caused me to consider again, and to gain perspective on the interplay of all that was not included nor asked nor needs to be--the interweaving of a soul mystic, suffering, hermit, and Catholic.
A Catholic who has been through so much it is indescribable as to why. At least the more sensory demonic assaults are years past now; onto the more insidious demonic attacks as well as ones from the outer world--pests and hassles human and otherwise. A Catholic who at one point 15 years ago during a horrific pain siege and having to deal with a reprehensible assignment involving a troubled priest and much persecution to try to discourage me from obedience to the assignment the Lord had given me, cried out to another priest who'd brought me a consecrated Host, "Catholicism is my last and only hope!"
It goes on and on, does life, do the cycles and trials of phases of metamorphosis...over and over and over. I wonder if after purgatory, when a soul with mind and heart but thankfully no temporal body gets to heaven if there will only be butterflying for all eternity. Please, no more repetitive cycles of metamorphoses one after another.
The parish priest mentioned what is there to lose, just see what happens. Well, there is a lot to lose such as what I already consider is lost of what was precious and unhindered, free to evolve like an ever emerging butterfly out of its cocoon, able to fly without notice, and die, and then the cocoon for hiding but never becoming cramped. Only emergence without emerging, flying without butterfly wings being touched or grabbed, not being pinned to a specimen board. All silence, solitude, slowness, stillness, simplicity, stability, serenity, selflessness, and yes, suffering some but all for God, omnia pro Deo, and solus Deus, God alone.
One must not assume that all this could still be possible. Just let it unfold. The Lord will decide, after all; this is His world, His creation, His Church. I'm His hermit, His nothing mystic, His victim soul, His Catholic, His espoused and betrothed.
While the priest mentioned in the win-win, that regardless of outcome, it is simply a matter of altering the position of a couple of words. Yes, that is easy enough to do. But I'm unlikely to play word games. I will simply be the other that Jesus has of me and eliminate the one. The life itself lived, will not alter at this point but will simply keep going, simply keep going, one cycle after another, one metamorphosis after another. That is truly simple, is it not?
Here I am Lord, I have come to do Thy will. Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me, a sinner...and a nothing cabbage butterfly.
The Living Word of God is so helpful! From yesterday's first Mass reading, 1 Peter 5:5b-14, Feast of St. Mark:
"Beloved: Clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another, for: god opposes the proud but bestows favor on the humble. So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time.
"Cast all your worries upon Him because He cares for you. Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for (someone) to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings.
"The God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory through Christ Jesus will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little. To Him be dominion forever. Amen....Peace to all of you who are in Christ."
God bless His Real Presence in us!
No comments:
Post a Comment