I know I remain rather fatigued, three months post-op, but also, it simply is pain that fatigues. I've been praying for deeper conversions for self and others, plus praying asking favors of God for specific needs and desires of intentions people give to me.
Yet I continue to seek relief in escaping from the mind, from thoughts, from the fatigue. I pray my guardian angel prod me to more walking, to even trying to tidy up a bit in the hermitage, as best I can, and to ponder these words of St. Paul, in his Letter to the Romans 7:18-25.
St. Paul says it best, what I was trying to describe of this current phase, of what I'm feeling and of my wanting to do better in the Lord and for Him and others, yet continue to seek relief in escaping the mind and thoughts of that which seems heavy, laborious, or mentally challenging.
"Brothers and sisters:
I know that good does not dwell in me, that is, in my flesh.
The willing is ready at hand, but doing the good is not.
For I do not do the good I want,
but I do the evil I do not want.
Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it,
but sin that dwells in me.
So, then, I discover the principle
that when I want to do right, evil is at hand.
For I take delight in the law of God, in my inner self,
but I see in my members another principle
at war with the law of my mind,
taking me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.
Miserable one that I am!
Who will deliver me from this mortal body?
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord."
It is Saturday early afternoon. I will myself by the grace of God to rise, use the energy He gives me to change into loose walking clothes, and go for a walk around the peaceful, quiet neighborhood. I have thought about taking my rosary with me, but then I will not be as aware of the trees and turning leaves in this glorious autumn. I will ask the Holy Mother of God to accompany me, for as I am in Christ and He is in me, His mother, our Mother the Virgin Mary, is with us, also, always facilitating deeper conversions to Christ.
In fact, in today's Mass Gospel alleluia, we read the verse taken from Ezekiel 33:11:
"I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked man, says the Lord,
but rather in his conversion that he may live."
I still might return after walking and doing whatever other before I am too tired or back pain too high--return to the icy pad on the bed and there distract myself with some temporal distraction. I do not know. Perhaps I will be able to read something less intense, such as St. Teresa of Avila's first volume of letters; the other day I brought the book from my bookcase and set it on nightstand.
This is a beginning, a start.
A cousin called this morning. Her kitchen repairs are complete from an upstairs' bathroom leak that caused the ceiling beneath to collapse. Now she has the task of sorting through piles of "stuff" she's had stacked in her kitchen and on the table for a long time. She asked me what is the name of the woman and the reality tv series that I'd heard of. I told her, and then she expressed interest if there would be an audio book; my cousin realizes she'd like to have a tidier home, and this seems an enforced opportunity to try with taking on the kitchen while it is emptied out, with mounds of items from the kitchen piled in their living room.
I offered to do some research and send her some links to a possible audio book by the reality personality Marie Kondo. I found a link to order the audio book involving the "tidying up" theme and pointers, plus there are some interviews on YouTube of the process of which the author and television personality has helped others plus made millions of dollars in the process.
The book and televised techniques are a temporal success that is helpful to people who have lost control over material possessions. The "clutter" of temporal items can reflect a cluttered mind, a cluttered spirit, a cluttered and out of control life. The loss of control in our lives at whatever level of detail, are rooted in the very spiritual aspects that St. Paul writes of in the above Scripture selection.
We are trying. Lord, we are seeking You and trying!
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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