Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Catholic Hermit: Prudence, Boundaries in Hospitality


The past few days have been overcast with having to come to a decision regarding relationships and the wisdom involved in knowing when "hospitality" must be limited.

Hermits have had, traditionally, a willingness to receive those who come to them.  However, in our time period, the "visits" can come with phone calls and emails more often than an in-person visit.  And, hermits have varied in the degree and amount of such visits and visitors.  Purpose and content of the visit, the need of the visitor, and the length and frequency of visits, are factors a hermit ought consider.

My "visitors" are not in person, other than the couple who come on Sunday mornings with His Real Presence.  My "visitors" either email or phone call; and most email.  Thus, when I refer to "visitors", they are those who email or write a letter and mail it.

This rather hidden, consecrated, Catholic hermit has let some visitors and content and needs of visits get a bit out of bounds.  The situations began on a more spiritual base of encouraging in the spiritual life, answering questions regarding matters of the faith, or of application of the Gospel Rule of Life to "guests" temporal lives.  Over time the contacts changed and grew into my doing more therapy effort than spiritual guidance; although always I would continue to try to instill and point the "guests" back to the Lord, to the Scriptures, and to prayer, to encouraging spiritual reading.

But it seemed that the spiritual was an aside rather than the point of such visits.  And the problems of the visitors manifested as chronic, of which even when I'd go into clinical psychology mode and utilize all aspects learned in this field in the past, there was not progress.

In counseling, there is a rule of thumb that if the client is not making progress after as soon as six weeks and no longer than six months, the counselor needs to recommend cessation of sessions and to suggest the client seek another therapist.  In cases in which the person is unwilling to try any of the suggestions or strategies, the counseling needs to cease.

As a hermit, the lines are not as clear cut as if one were practicing as a clinical psychologist.  For one thing, the client (visitor) is investing monetarily for an hour appointment, once a week or so.  The purpose is clear, and the client does not have free-reign to email or call directly.  And due to the professional setting, the client tends to take the advice and therapy revelations more seriously.

As a hermit, the boundaries need to be clearly set for those "visiting" be it by email or phone or in person.  And this means set within the hermit's mind and way of being hospitable.  The spiritual must remain central; and time limits are appropriate.  

Of course, a hermit's "visitors" will have personal life struggles they wish to discuss and receive some type of guidance and suggestions to propel them forward and through temporal trials.  But there is a limit to how much repetition especially in chronic issues.  And for the issues that are chronic and the visitor is not progressing, continuing visits become time-consuming and ineffective for either hermit or visitor or both.

From reading the lives of various traditional Catholic hermits of the past centuries and in more recent times, the hermit prefers to not have visitors but in charity tries to accommodate.  However, it is true that in most hermits' lives, people can become rather insistent, repetitive, and dependent upon wanting to talk with the hermit.  They want spiritual direction or may say so, but there is usually if not always the therapy-aspect inherent in the desire to talk, to receive feedback.

I think we all know how this can be for those of us who are Catholics, who have gone to priests for confession and perhaps desired and rather depended upon getting some personal counsel as to how to handle life's difficulties.  And this is all right, for receiving input from others can be so helpful.  But priests also know well to set firm boundaries, and to limit the purpose and content to spiritual point.  And there is a time-limit for such encounters.

For those of us who are sought for spiritual input--and which includes life-input for all is connected--it is requisite to not allow others to become dependent and chronic "patients".

I've come to this point, as I mentioned above, recently.  I've had to set very firm boundaries and to not answer phone calls but rather to encourage an email, of which I can more easily see through the purpose.  It also causes the one seeking input, to write out and see in their written words, what they are trying to express.  It takes more effort to write than to call; words do not flow as indiscriminately.

If the emails become too frequent, then the hermit can simply write and explain it is too much.  If the person continues, the hermit can choose to not respond or to comment back:  Praying for you.  After all, the major work of a hermit is prayer, and not to become a therapist.  Once all has been taught regarding helping a visitor know where to turn and how to turn to progress spiritually, that person is on his or her way.  The hermit needs to know when it is time for closure yet to know it will not be easy for the other who is unlikely as comfortable with detachment as would or should a hermit be.

If a hermit's time and energy and emotional, mental, and spiritual "space" is overtaken by a couple or more chronic visitors, a hermit runs the reality of not being available to whom God may send for prayer at any present moment.  And, once a visitor has been given all the advice and spiritual direction the hermit has to gift, there is the aspect that the visitor may be ignoring others in his or her own life who the Lord is wanting that person to help spiritually progress.

At this phase in my hermit vocation and daily life, more silence and less discussing or writing in response to chronic problems is best.  The Lord is with all people, and He guides all of us.  There comes a time, or should, in all our lives in which we spiritually come to that level of faith.  God is with us, God is guiding us, God counsels us and answers our questions and needs.  Might not be instantaneous but will always be perfect.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

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