The Lord has graciously pointed out some flaws I've been inadvertently acting upon for awhile. (I'm sure there are many more flaws than these but a few at a time are His helpful way to let me learn to correct.)
These flaws have to do with interactions with those who call and email with crises or issues in their lives. And most of those have to do with their relationships.
I've called upon some psychological counseling skills learned years ago, but I've not utilized some others, well. I tend to listen or read, and I can mirror the other person most of the time, which helps the other be comfortable in sharing problems. But I've not adhered to the wisdom in refraining from overly investing in their lives, at times.
Also, I have at times fallen into what can seem manipulations or become part of another's unhealthy cycle of which they are struggling themselves to learn to stop being part of a recurring cycle of unhealthy relating. The terms "transference" and "counter transference" are ways of identifying some of these aspects in relating.
Another flaw has been to repeat advice, counsel, and examples of implementing, more than once. Or more than twice and three times--for some people do not grasp with one explanation, or they can repeat their issues but with differing circumstances and thus want counsel all over again....
I've often thought of Padre Pio and his reputation for being harsh in the confessional and abrupt in other interactions in which people want his input and advice.
I do fairly well with not giving advice if not asked, although I do converse and relate what insights if the person is indirectly asking. Sometimes I did not detect the indirect asking or need only to receive an other email or phone call asking why I'd not responded to this or that issue or situation relayed. Often enough, there are aspects that really do not require response. These have to do with obvious incidents or if a person is seeking unnecessary feedback.
But I surely have failed in the areas of perhaps what is over-empathizing." Or not remaining detached but repeating counsel and advice without realizing the one calling or writing does indeed know what to do but wants my involvement, with the root of their issues being from what all our issues stem: the vices, the capital sins.
Even if I have mentioned or the other mentions the vice (and I then concur and praise them for recognizing it on their own), unless the person (and this of course is me, also, when my issues!) does not actively work toward resolving and turning the vice into virtue, repeated counsel is rather pointless. That is when I become a part of the person's cycle of unhealthy manipulation, whether or
not they recognize I've it or intend it.
And especially if the person does the opposite of what is discussed and agreed upon as the Scriptural way or the healthy way to solve the issue or take positive action to change, there is really no more reason to discuss as passive aggressive personality disorder takes on going counseling to rid out. And usually it is insidious to the person's way of relating, for they do not recognize it in themselves and have become attached to it, relative to other vices such as pride, envy, or anger.
I have come to finally learn what the Lord has tried to show me in some relationships, and that my way of listening, empathizing, and advising would have been more effective with Padre Pio's way. Be more direct, limit the time involved, remain out of any cycles of unhealthy manipulations or attention seeking, and do not react with emotional investiture to problems brought forth for counsel.
Repeat advice and insights once or twice depending upon person's ability to absorb and grasp. And if
Provide feedback if they report how they handled a given situation or issue but not repeatedly. The Lord is showing me to let others learn to seek and listen to God's will and guidance. There comes a time when a spiritual so. Or daughter, sister or brother, needs to figure matters out for him-or herself.
And, what the Lord has shown me in setting boundaries and in discerning that some desire attention but really are not interested in conversion from vices to virtues or to let go of the hindering flaws that hold our lives and very souls in mire.
What the Lord is teaching me in the lesson I need to learn is to discern motives of those making contact and to also know that the best response often can be that I will pray for the person to seek and find God's will and wisdom in resolving their dilemmas and issues. He has helped me learn by my physical fatigue and pain hindering me from accepting phone calls when He's also shown me in inner sight what the caller is about. Or in other situations in which someone writes, I can see for myself if I react with frustration rather than breaking my own cycle within the person's cycle of needependency upon me, a sinner.x
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