Lots going on here. Still very ill but not inclined to try another trip to civilization and the cost of lung xrays as I'm on an antibiotic and will let it run its course to see if improving, for an xray would only show if anything that I need an antibiotic. Cannot afford the expended energy as it is needed for rest and healing; and I cannot afford the high costs of the medical realm.
Well, the end has come for me here. I got yet another Lenten challenge yesterday when able to walk out to mailbox. My Fed tax bill has come, and rather than far less than last year's all-time high bill, it is over double that. My finance advisor and friend had thought it would not at all be higher but less. We were wrong.
And, so the time has come that I have just three or so months to clear out. I will need to rid out my possessions and hopefully get the stairs in, at least. Then I must sell as is which means a contractor or such with cash who will give me a smidgeon of what it is worth finished. It is an irony that I am nearly 90% finished, but with this four-week thus far illness, my work has come to a standstill.
It is the finishing work that can take longest as it needs to be done with precision, and the spring is upon us. The grass needs mowing and already is so high that it will take two pass overs at setting the wheels high to begin with. The gardens need to be cleared from fall and winter. I am not yet well enough, but I think this morning I might be a tad improved. I've thought that before, but nothing to be done but wait it out and keep on these different antibiotics.
The young man that Daniel had lined up to help me a Saturday per month, I've had to put off twice due to the lung and sinus crud. He can only come this Saturday as he then has sports events from here on out on Saturdays. He works during the week. I'm not sure I have enough for him to do since I have not been able to get the stairwell finished for installing the stairs.
The weather does not look as if going to be possible to do yard work that day. I do have some furnishings and other possessions upstairs that he could maybe struggle to bring down the ladder, as I will need to get rid of things either by the dump or selling.
I have decided upon a lot of possessions going to the dump as I can do that myself and quickly and for less money than I could do with yard sales or item-by-item listing. People here tend to say they are interested but do not show up; the wealthy give away lovely possessions or for not much since money is not an issue for them.
So the used market is terrible. I'd pay more in hiring help to get together yard sales and monitor, and more energy haggling with people who want things for free or very little, that time, energy, and finances make it more sensible to dump the little items. It is too costly to take things into civilization to donate, and a lot of the items are at a point of being boxed for four years as to not be that worthwhile.
My financial friend and advisor reminds that this is far better than having twenty minutes to clear out with the shirt (would be my pj top!) on my back. I have a couple months barring more unexpected high bills and ridiculous medical charges that copay is not covering. I must get a larger truck or make a couple trips in my own which might be best, and get what few items I will take and get into storage.
I will take the family heirlooms which are all practical and functional: bed, drop leaf table, a couple end tables, a small Victorian sofa, a mirror, a dresser my great-great grandfather built in his woodworking hobby, family photographs, some dishware not in great condition but old and memorable, and very useful--and my books. I will take the boxed books as I do not have time enough to list online and sell, and they are rare Catholic books, many out of print and obscure titles and subjects, for the most.
Then, what small items and a lot of my little business venture supplies I will take to dump. What larger furniture pieces I will try to sell even though I'll get very little but enough to pay the dump fees and to pay someone to help me hold the stair stringer boards.
I emailed my adult son who is on the mortgage and let him know. I was not going to yet but a long time friend thought he should know due to his being on the mortgage. He responded not warmly but this morning sent a kinder email even hoping if I got an x-ray that it would shine light on what is the problem. Well it is sinuses and lungs, and as I've written, a lung x-ray is not on my docket for now.
He says I should stay and finish, as to sell out as is even so close to finishing, would bring me next to nothing. He said not to worry about his being on the mortgage still as he has a year's lease to go.
Mercy, he does not quite grasp that I am out of money even though I stated the details.
I will not be discouraged, and I will respond to all with love and acceptance. I have learned these truths this Lent in ways I've never learned before. I've wasted so much time and energy and upset in my life, not having learned nor having the grace and discipline to react otherwise. It is all a process, and God gives us the grace when He wills and when we are at a point of truly listening and doing so.
There is yesterday's Gospel that addresses this in clear terms. Jesus explains how He knows from His Father how to be and do and say. I realize we learn this, also, from the Father and the Son and Holy Spirit. I don't have the Scripture right now to cut and paste but later will do so.
I had never seen it so clearly until now, and while I'd read it before my financial axe-news came, and while I was in shock for awhile over the outcome and accepting that God is letting me fail in this venture that is only temporal regardless, this morning it is all clear to me the more to respond only in love, acceptance, praise of God, gratitude, and be not discouraged.
Last evening I let some wealthy friends and a couple family members know what had occurred and the outcome I must face, no one offered a leg up. There was some advice in getting rid of things, and an offer that I could come for a week to visit and check out one person's area, and another is mailing me stamps as I am out and need to mail the vehicle insurance bill and too ill to go to post office still. So God is not offering a patron to provide a little sum enough to tide me through for a few months more or even until spring. And that is fine.
This other is the more of a challenge, and my life is filled with amazing challenges. I do think that I had become proud with the thought that perhaps I was actually going to finish what has been an amazing effort considering how much pain I am in, how many obstacles, illnesses, mishaps, and all that I had to learn that I never knew before of construction, plumbing, electrical and so forth.
Well, I'll finish the second day's coffee; I make a pot to last two days' worth. And that will help the remnants of the start of spinal headache; I am going to attempt going outside and see how the head manages, stuffed as it still is, but the coughing seems less. I will see how my legs are, as I've been down long enough to have to take time now to build the stamina, and I must not overdo and backslide. Head is kind of dizzy with sinus, as it does for anyone.
The Gospel of John 5 contains these words of Jesus that seem so appropriate as a working plan. Look to Him to see how to be and do in daily life.
"Jesus answered and said to them,
'Amen, amen, I say to you, the Son cannot do anything on his own,
but only what he sees the Father doing;
for what he does, the Son will do also.
For the Father loves the Son
and shows him everything that he himself does,
and he will show him greater works than these,
so that you may be amazed.'"
We can see what God does through Jesus. We can see how He loves, how He reacts in situations, how He is assertive yet always humble, purposeful, firm yet gentle. He responds with love even if the love requires truth that stings or cuts into the heart of matters.
There are many facets to see what God is doing, through Jesus by the Holy Spirit. It is all love--the facets of love in varying aspects and lights. When we see and follow some facets of what God does and how He does them, He will show us yet more about love, to learn how to do more. We can learn so much from Jesus and as He says, "Follow Me," and "Go and do likewise."
What God does is amazing. Yes, we will be amazed.