Much of what is written in correspondence at this phase of this Catholic hermit's life, is based upon numerous flaws and faults over the years thus far. The thoughts and sharing come from that perspective, often enough: a humbled down version of wishes for others of what to avoid, if they can.
So it was with the correspondence this morning with the friend. She responded, and to her great credit and compassion, she found good in it and some help in what was written. So it is in various phases of our lives, we can do penance of sorts, admit our mistakes, and offer them as holocausts of suffering and praise, both. Those others who are sensitive and adept at understanding, might find our humanity something of which to propel them toward their divinity.
But not in all cases do the thoughts and shared experiences and insights (these latter of the Holy Spirit, so they stand distinct and superior to the human foils from which some of us learn and share) find a receptive soul, and it might not be due to pride on the other person's part. Often enough it is just that the phases of such as a Catholic hermit and the phases of such as a younger, older, or in between person are not connecting much. There is not a synapse of communication, soul to soul or even mind to mind, or heart to heart.
Yesterday there were three intersections, three synapses, indicating phases of the hermit are, or were then, aligned with three souls.
The first was in a rare trip to a village. The hermit was going to deposit some money that was intended for paying Raphael for additional workers. (Thankfully, it had been able to get Jorge's money to him via Juanito, as the hermit never wanted Jorge's pay returned, as he did do an excellent job the first day and tried his best on the other two, even if not passable outcome.)
So on the way to the village, drawing close, the hermit prayed yet again that somehow Raphael would realize the hermit had nothing but admiration and love for him and his workers. It also wished somehow Raphael would realize that something was surely wrong with the hermit to sound tense or upset, or however it may have sounded when describing the work that needed to be done over.
What are the odds of this next occurrence? In a remote area, of which the hermit had not been to the village in three weeks nor out driving other than the few days far off in civilization, there was Raphael at the bank! In fact, the hermit would not have seen him as it was focused on figuring out how to get out of a tight parking space, had not Raphael called it's name. Within minutes, the situation was worked out, and he understood better that the hermit was not angry or bothered other than simply wanted to try to do the work better and needed help to do some other efforts requiring physical strength and other hands.
Plus, the hermit was able to explain that if the voiced expression seemed tense, of the work not done well by a man he usually does not hire, it was because the hermit was on the brink of a pain siege. Try as the hermit has for nearly 31 years to notice when a pain siege is coming, it has not been successful. Only after letting situations get to the hermit in ways otherwise not at all the hermit's temperament style, does the hermit realize and is smack dab in a pain siege.
Anyway, God so heard the prayer and answered it in a way that touched the hermit's soul. Such love and gratitude to His Real Presence! All is well with Raphael who was also quite out of his character in the way he reacted to concrete concerns regarding work done by someone he brought to do work.
Then there was a grace given at the little clinic in yon village, and the hermit will hopefully be able to manage the worst of the pain sieges better. It is hoped by all that the increased pain is due to having been in bed much of the winter, between the pneumonia and some hefty pain sieges. Once the hermit has its muscles strengthened again with manual labor, over time, perhaps the pain can be better managed by the brain's natural pain relievers, endorphins. This medical personnel, also, is open to the hermit's goal of being able to endure the increasingly higher pain levels (with age this happens, too) by attaining to unconditional love, and through prayer and offering the suffering in union with Christ.
Upon returning to Te Deum Hermitage, the hermit was surprised by a most unusual phone call from Fr. V. who is in Nigeria. He just wanted to hear the hermit's voice and be assured that all was going better after the last pain sieges. It was uncanny.
God is with us. He truly IS.
No coincidence in all this was the hermit's reading of the first homily of Pseudo-Macarius, and the deep repentance of spiritual back-sliding and being waylaid easily by the temporal dragnet of temporal issues, upsets, misunderstandings and miscommunications--feelings hurt, hurting feelings, never intending either. Macarius reminds that our souls are like the chariots in Ezekiel...and God is the Charioteer. He moves us and guides us, if we are willing and not resisting. He moves us spiritually, mystically, and in ways temporally. He holds the reins. He is the light and eyes and wings and burning fire. God IS: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
The prayer here, in this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's present-moment phase, is that God guide this chariot-soul, unimpeded. The hermit echoes Jesus' words when He was in a certain human phase: Father, Thy will, not mine, be done. And another prayer of perfect, loving obeisance that He echoes in the Letter to the Hebrews: Here I am, Lord, I have come to do Thy will.
Our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits have and go through phases. These phases are not only present in Catholic hermits. They are going on in all our present moments, in an order that His Real Presence steers once we stop trying to interfere with the Charioteer's Hands on the reins, or His need to use the axle grease now and then, to spur us on, or the brakes to stop us temporarily.
Sometimes we are in a sphere and space and time in which our phase synapses with another or many souls' phase. Sometimes not at all even though we might contrive our phase with theirs, or try. It never really works to force our wills upon the phases God chooses for us, or to contrive others' phases, either, by our own machinations, even if done with the best of intentions.
No, we must allow God to drive our soul-chariot with the power and might, the perfection of knowledge, and eternal "Cause" that He Is to all His Created in His Creation.
God bless His Real Presence in us, or us in Him. Remain in His Love. Remain His chariot to guide as He wills. Let us love one another as children chariot souls, each guided by God through the phases of the life as and when God chooses for each of us--loving Him and loving each other.