My Love, my Love, my only Love; the Cross, the Cross, and only the Cross.
I used to pray this always before the Tabernacle in whatever parish or chapel. I used to always live near a Church, or to have not far to go in order to be there in person. I moved in order to be across from one parish, and that also to provide access and storage for the soup kitchen the Virgin Mary had me develop. She showed me how and what to do in a dream.
But the Lord always moves me on, not to have me tarry or be actively involved, not for long. And for a good while, not at all to be drawn off even by the good of active works of mercy in parishes. I do things quietly and in solitude--the bits of encouragement either when someone calls or in sending a note.
As for the spontaneous ejaculation above, I used to repeat it with such abandonment and fervor--not realizing just what I was going to receive with the Cross...and only the Cross. With the crosses (and they have been plentiful and heavy), there is always His Love. I may not "feel" His Love in any sensible fashion or in the intellect, but in faith His Love is ever in me and me in Him.
I recall the Bishop who was my spiritual director for awhile, the one who said the Lord was close to me and thus the state during Mass. He later consulted some bishop friend of his or such, and they came up with the plan that I could surely make it go away if I would stand in the back of the chapel or walk around. "Do anything," he said, "but make it go away. I know you can do it, and if you do not try, it is because you want this and want the attention."
I recall his face leaning into mine, and his tone of voice--threatening and accusatory. He had never been this way, but I realized he was testing, and I kind of wondered, myself. He promised if I would do as he said, he would then read the book that the Holy Spirit had shown to me, to read, as it explained much. The Bishop never read it, though. But Bishop declared the mystical state "credible and valid", as he put it.
At the time he was quite excited in a happy way; later he would abandon me, which was painful but for the best in many ways. He had made other promises that he either forgot or broke. My next director pointed these out and said to discern even what bishops say and do. It is all as God chooses, and my Beloved gives me the Cross so that I may be closer to Him--and not that anyone else needs to declare this or that--not Bishops, not priests, not anyone.
But one time, early on with the Bishop, he directed me to ask Jesus what He was doing to me, by having this mystical state during Mass, from the Living Word through the music with the angels singing and those of earth not too eager to leave the church at the end of Mass, who remain to praise His Real Presence.
I asked Jesus what was He doing to me during Mass, what was this? I asked at the beginning of the state, and just as my faculties were being taken away, Jesus answered. "This is how I am loving you." When I reported the answer to the Bishop, he was a bit taken aback but then seemed pleased. He said to remain in His love. We just never can anticipate what Jesus will answer when we ask. We also cannot anticipate what or how even a bishop will think, say or do.
I have no idea where the Bishop is, now. I have not been shown his soul on the other side. He is there, and I pray for him, but I have not been shown. But it is an odd thing, how the people tend to try to weigh in on what they do not have any experience. Even priests and bishops tend to have differing notions and "takes" on spiritual aspects. Perhaps this is because of their not having lived experience.
When I converted to Catholicism, Dr. H. told me I'd be "hard-pressed to find a priest in the country who would have actual experience with the types of spiritual experiences in my reality. He said I was born in the wrong century--said it kind of jokingly but with the reality of how lacking in spiritual awareness and acceptance in our time period.
So I was the one having to become educated and to pray my way through. His Real Presence sustains. I learned to remain in His Love, for to remain trusting others brings inconsistency. Even though the bishop would repeat how rare this is, and at the time he apologized profusely for telling me to stand, he was not equipped for this.
When I shared with him some other experiences of a few years prior, he put his hands to his head and said: Too much! Too much! I cannot grasp this! I felt pity for him, and that was a turning point day, when I realized it truly was too much for him.
Yet God always provides the consolations along the way, nonetheless. It may be some words in the few times via phone with a priest far away, or an email from Fr. V. who is even farther away, or a phone call from Dr. H. who also is far away. But the One Who propels me through the unknowns the best and at any moment, right here, within and without and without and within my very soul, is His Real Presence. He knows all. He is experienced--of course! He lacks for nothing! My Love, my Love, my only Love....
So much has occurred in this my life on earth. Lately I have been longing and yearning all the more for Jesus to come back for me, and consummate the marriage. I am weary with suffering, and I have been so stripped of many temporal aspects and relationships, that it seems my Love desires me all the more for Himself. I am worn out with the sufferings at various levels, and I am weary from being repeatedly shown ugliness in the temporal.
Yet I am also shown the beauty and transcendence of the Beloved. My spiritual father, now, tells me to suffer the other, the temporal distractions, particularly of souls who taint and disparage the purity of Holy Mother Church by all our sins. He says to allow myself to be crucified during Mass, for in some ways, the bliss is also a kind of crucifixion.
It is a paradox, this. Perhaps it approaches what Teresa of Avila told me once, profoundly, in front of many others who could hear, also. Surely it was meant for some one or all of them, but it certainly meant much to me: "You will learn to overcome the sensation of pain when you attain to unconditional love." I will never forget this truth, although it is not easy when in the peaks of pain or in the draining constancy of it, either way. I'm not at unconditional love yet, obviously, but I am praying for that grace.
Yes, lately I have been so yearning for Jesus and to have any resurgence or recapturing of the delight and unhindered expression of Christ's Life in me, and now I grasp it as His Real Presence: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They are in us, indwelling, yet the distractions of ugliness, of sin, whether ours personally or ours linked as being the Body of Christ, all her members, can suffocate and stifle that joy of innocent and free expression of delight in the interactive love of the Beloved in our every moment of daily life.
Plunging into the depths of His Real Presence even--maybe especially--if called away and out, plucked out of the brushes with ugliness and distractions, the soul can be refreshed and renewed. Perhaps the innocence will not return, but the ideal can stand firm again, and the delight in the Three Persons of the Trinity and all the holy ones--Mary and all holy souls on the other side, and angels--will once more be known friends in actual expression. The Living Word will come alive in our beings.
Yes, I beg for this and more to be imbued within my every moment. How I've missed the sweetness and am willing for whatever He needs to enact, in order for this grace. My little dilapidated abode is now the chapel of our encounters; His Real Presence is here in as Spirit. I can at any time cry out within the silence of my heart: My Love, my Love, my only Love. The Cross, the Cross, and only the Cross! It is all love!