More steps for nothing Catholic hermit. Step out in faith; step down, step up, step all around in faith. Keep the inner sight focused on Christ and nothing but Christ.
Appropriately for the Gospel reading this August Sunday in Ordinary Time, nothing draws from the file, a message of 20 years past.
"In the beginning was the heaven and the earth, and all the beauty therein. And beyond, before that, before the beginning, there was God. And He brought forth through his energy, and He touched the earth and all living things. This is taking the first step.
"And when we take our first step, we must take it in faith, and that sometimes can be the greatest stumbling block we have. For though we hear about faith and we read about faith, it takes a very deep love of God the Father to go forth in faith, and to step out, as it were, on the water and walk toward that which we want to do and which God also wants us to do. And this is what we call 'doing the Lord's will.'
"So in the beginning we take the first step. And this step, as we will call it, will be the step up the rung of the ladder...the first step toward our dreams, toward achieveing our dreams, and doing that which we are supposed to do. And as we proceed, we must learn a great deal about faith. And to learn a great deal about faith, we must understand these four words, 'eye of the needle'. And we can look in Luke 17 and read about faith, and how all things are possible to him who believes.
"And as we grow in faith there is another beautiful aspect that we learn from, and this is fear. We learn to overcome fear. We might think that this doesn't fit in here because you say, 'Well, I am only on the first rung of the ladder. I feel very safe and very secure.' But you must know that each rung goes higher and higher, and at times stepping out in faith is a very great step. And while physically it doesn't seem so great or so terrifying, that emotionally or psychologically it can be a very frightening step to take.
"So fear must be understood completely. And you can learn a great deal about fear hand in hand with learning about faith. Fear is merely an ally and a 'flip' side of faith. If we look at fear from a very beautiful sense and from a higher level of consciousness, fear is something that will lead us forth. And when we overcome the negative aspects of fear, we can accomplish that which we formerly thought was impossible.
"And as it is written in the Bible, it was impossible for a camel to get through the 'eye of the needle'. The 'eye of the needle' was a colloquial term for a small opening or gate in the walls of the cities, and indeed in the walls of the city of Jerusalem. Therefore it seemed impossible and certainly probably quite frightening for a camel to attempt to get through the gate to the other side.
"But in taking our first step of where we want to be in life and where God wants us to be, it is necessary to overcome fear and to understand the great linkage between fear and faith.
"And imagine, too, how fearful Peter was when he stepped out of his boat, when he heard the call of Jesus to come toward Him. And as he walked forward he must have been quite afraid, but he had to overcome that. And he had to have the faith to take those first steps. And indeed it was when he lost his faith and he became fearful and he looked down at the water below him, that he had to cry it out, 'Lord, help me!' And of course the Lord helped him.
"That's very important to remember--that God will help us if only we must continue walking, continue climbing higher, higher.
"So in our lives, it is more simple than we think to take the first step. It means overcoming fear through faith...and to keep going...to merely keep going. Now that is truly simple, is it not?"
This was about all, except for a few lines about gaining much in the Bible--words of encouragement to keep going. And also on how it is to ascertain the will of that which one wants to do (which must be God's will and is what God wills), how to hear the call and how to proceed. There were words of the writing, and to speak of nothing's own experiences, and of taking many, many first steps, and how that might help other people.
So today the nothing Catholic hermit takes more first steps, out onto those waters of God's mysterious will. At one instance, nothing could use the term "social suicide" to describe the cutting away of relationships; yet it is not of nothing's self-inflicted choosing. It is an agreeing to be still, to allow the natural flow of God's will wash and cleanse and do with nothing as He desires and allows.
For this, one must consider the temporal circumstances as well as the interior dispositions. What is the actual reality? Is there any point in pushing one's will, to forge into situations, to make overtures--as if to put on water to boil without cause? Eventually the water turns to steam, and the steam evaporates, and the pot runs dry.
No point in pushing one's will--not even if one's will is God's will. For then, if it is God's will, the unfoldings will be gentle, whispering, purposeful flowerings.
An e-mail arrived this morning. The sender felt an unexpected turn of events, forcing their move to another city with house not sold. Nothing was not surprised. It has prayed that God would move them forth and away, as the one was filtering back into the world here and not there, where they are to go. The Lord had opened that door. Even in the tiny detail of what is no doubt hindering the house sale, the Lord has forced the leaving immediately, allowing a negative to become a positive. Movement. Taking steps, first steps, and many steps.
Those who turn back are not worthy of the Kingdom of God.
Maybe those who look down in fear, also? One must not fear being sculpted by God into some creation one had not considered. One must not consider too much. For awhile, with the hermit life, nothing considered various types of hermit life. When the solitude increased and it was obvious that jobs in the Church and jobs in the public sector were not God's will, nothing considered possibly contacts in visitors. Yes, some hermits have these visitors. But no, the few spiritual friendships dwindled, one after the other, often with valid reason such as moves or differing lives, or activity levels. Then some unhealthy friendships dwindled or were lopped off, not to be picked up and glopped back on. Nothing faces a next step of solitude.
Well, the stairway to heaven is not to be climbed holding onto anyone or anything temporal, is it? All becomes a bit more focused, and work on various remaining sideways crosses continues like chin-ups to strengthen the soul for whatever challenges the climb.
The other night nothing called out, "Beth, are you here? Are you with me? Will you show me any aspect I am not fulfilling in the Lord's desiring me to be a hermit? Is there anything in my hermit life that I am not doing well or as God wants? Show me--and don't let me wriggle out of anything I must change; don't let me deceive myself on any detail!"
Nothing's dear Guardian Angel will see to it. Nothing is open to whatever, no matter how painful--not guaranteeing, of course, to not be stunned, hurt, or wincing in the process! Nothing is still quite human, imperfect, and old--a bit old to be so behind!
But we keep going, keep trying, and what is there to fear? We must see the reality of our souls, mirrored to us as they are and how they can become.
The harp arrives tomorrow. Nothing is clueless as to how to play a harp! Already prayers have gone out to King David and St. Hildegard. They were accomplished harpists. Nothing has asked for the infused graces to play a harp for the glory of God. Someone who lives a long ways off asked if nothing would play for receptions. "Oh no!" nothing replied. No, nothing is going to play the harp to just adore Him.
Playing the harp is pure conversation. It is like that conversation between Peter and the Lord, out on the waters, with Christ saying "Come" and the harpist stepping out on a first step, then another, then another and other--and then reaching out the harpist's arms to touch the strings of Him Who is sound and chord and note and song.
Of course, the Lord helps! He loves.
[How the Mary Gardens of Agnus Dei have changed since this photo was taken over two months ago! Lake Immaculata remains the same, but many new plants and shrubs and even trees have come to grace the earth, thanks to the Lord inspiring horticulturalists in their work of developing various cultivars. Lake Immaculata remains the same to outer view; but the water has changed, within and in evaporation, with new rains replacing molecules and filling anew the pond. So it is with everything, step by step, all in loving, fearless faith.]
9 comments:
Dear Nothing, I have a question to ask of you. I have read about suffering to console Jesus, to share His cross, out of love for Jesus, in reparation for the sins of mankind (which brought to mind sins being committed or already committed). Can a victim soul suffer so that a sin may never be committed?
AS an example: could a victim soul have a vocation to suffer so that children would be protected from abuse, that their innocence not be taken from them in any form of evil? That they may be spared and remain wholly God's for a while longer?
My heart says yes because I have trust and faith in God, but my mind cannot comprehend the logic of it as we all have free will. I know one can stand between God and sinner to obtain forgiveness for the sinner, but can one deflect it from even occuring in the first place somehow thru their sufferings?
Also, what do religious do when the loneliness becomes a loud roaring instead of a gentle quietness? Is it a sign to get moving away from being solitary or just an expected challenge?
God bless you!
Dear Dreaming of the Beloved,
The first question requires much prayer and also some consultation. So I must wait for answers, if the Lord allows; and I think He will give answers.
When the loneliness becomes a loud roaring instead of gentle quietness, for a religious--causes one to wonder about the loneliness. If it is true, human loneliness, then it seems the religious ought to discuss this with the spiritual director or confessor, and also seek the Lord all the more to be filled and not lonely. This likely is an exercise the Lord is allowing to stretch the religious' faith. Of course, if the loneliness becomes too much to bear, then it would be best to take a sip of company. That is practical and reasonable. But to move away from being solitary is only prolonging the full embrace of the vocation--if it is a vocation as a solitary, such as a hermit. If not, then that is something to be discerned; and usually the validity of the vocation is discerned early on.
But do you mean solitude instead of loneliness? Loneliness is rather a human emotion or something along that line. Those into the religious life know intellectually that they are not at all alone. So it might more be adapting to greater realities of solitude and solus Deus (God alone). And that rich but breath-taking reality (can be frightening until one remembers to not look down at the water or uses the fear to step forward, head erect) is a gulp of ontological aloneness, which every human who strives to find God and be united in Him, will experience. It is an occupational "given" for a hermit, at least. The degrees of solitude do seem to vary, however.
Anyway, when solitude becomes a loud roaring instead of a gentle quiet, and if it continues in that state, one must test the waters, I'd think. Perhaps that gulp of some company will help, perhaps not. But, one can do as Ezekiel and leave off from the loud roaring all the more, and go deeper into the cave, and perhaps there will hear that still, small voice. That says much, also.
You ask intriguing and good questions! Thank you for helping me to pray and think on these points! Hope to have some kind of thought (more than an answer, as I am no authority) after some prayer.
Dear Dreaming of the Beloved,
Your excellent questions came through as a comment twice, so tried to delete the repetition. But in the meantime, re-read them and am hoping to absorb.
Another point about what a religious ought to do when the loneliness (solitude?) is loud instead of quiet, does seem to be a time to not move, not panic, but to observe the experience in a kind of awe and wonderment, that this is really happening, and just how alone one truly is before God, and to desire nothing other than what God is allowing in the experience of the loneliness (solitude). Wait and see. The Lord is with us, always. This does not mean that the experience is lessened from our human perspective. No doubt we are intended to feel it, to experience it, for that makes the soul yearn more for that which will provide lasting "company": God alone!
When the soul is going through deeper levels of ontological aloneness, it does seem to be not what one could begin to have anticipated, however.
This does not mean that one should try to fill the aloneness--but to let God fill it how He wills. He might bring someone by in a chance encounter or else in the interior reaches of the mind, or else He will make His presence felt (in a whisper, probably, or a brush of peace).
Dear Dreaming,
Correction of an earlier comment made! It is ELIJAH, not Ezekiel, and Elijah was out on the mountain--out, out from his cave where he had gone into hiding to escape the wrath of Queen Jezebel--fleeing as far away as he could. So the Lord called him out to face Him, and the Lord went beyond the thunder, wind and fire of Moses--and showed Elijah that He was also and very much in the quiet of a whispering breath of breeze.
Then Elijah returned to the opening of the cave, where he presumably was hiding out, and he hid his own face in his cloak, for He had experienced God and knew it. He knew God was with him and that he must not fear or flee from trials, suffering, even and especially death.
So this is very good for a religious (or anyone!) to keep in mind and to practice. God is with us always, and even though the aloneness might seem crashing about loudly, it is not to be feared or fled--unless one is not in the properly discerned vocation. Or, unless God is calling one out for a purpose, to teach the soul an insight or to offer the soul to another or others in service. Even if a hermit, one must always do the Lord's will, and He might call upon a hermit for some sacrifices of the solitude and silence, from time to time. Who knows? One must always be alert to the nuances of the Lord. But once Elijah knew He had experienced the Lord, and gained the insight, he hid himself within his cloak.
An alcoholic, when recovering, might be desperate for a drink, with the withdrawals crashing about in loud roaring, but does it make sense to go out and get a drink, to move away from the abstinence? No. The religious must forage deeper into the ontological aloneness, but with approval and guidance with the confessor and/or spiritual father.
Dear Nothing, I sent another explanation of what I had meant by my loneliness but it was not very important in the scheme of things. I keep having problems knowing if my post went thru (that's why I sent 2 of the same yesterday).
I want to thank you for your thoughts. I am not a religious but I tend to think that in our humanity we are similar. Then I am reminded that in our humanity we are similar but in God we are different and given graces according to our needs.
I also tried to respond to your other blog but I think I goofed that up too. I was so happy to read your answers. I am sometimes frustrated by my own lack of knowledge but it is a grace because I continually know I need God all the more!
I went to visit Jesus in the blessed sacrament last night and I wish all souls would do so. How little things become when we go to Him and lay them at His feet. How filled I am when I leave!
Have a blessed day
Dear Dreaming of the Beloved,
How beautiful are your thoughts and way of expression! Much peace and joy in you, and to you!
Seems as if you are a religious, as I am a religious, as all who seek the Lord intently and with great desire, are religious! Consecration comes from within the heart as an offering made with commitment, a kind of covenant with the Lord as He accepts our offerings, don't you think?
I hope you can re-send your thoughts on what you mean by loneliness, for loneliness is a very real emotion and experience that is with every human being, to some degree or another. So I hope you can retrieve it from a sent file and send it once more!
The thoughts I express often are of an ideal. Yes, I have called out to the Lord even recently: I am so alone--but it is all right! Yes, the aloneness is as God desires for this vocation, and also for the vocation of victim soul, for some vocations particularly require souls to be very much alone with God in order to do the work with love and fervor. Then, other vocations require much interaction.
Yet, Dreaming of the Beloved, I suspect we both comprehend that all souls truly experience a kind of loneliness in that it is an awareness that we are not meant for this place, as the Psalmist says we are but pilgrims here. Our fulfillment is in Christ, and He we seek, even though He is right here, always! The aloneness, then, is a figment of our distraction from the reality of God's omnipresence! And our work, in part, is to open our souls and minds and hearts and bodies to increased, conscious awareness of our presence within God!
May your day be blessed, and yes, it is good to be in front of His Tabernacle, in person, and in spirit! Such communion!
Dear Nothing,
Here I try again to write. It seems something keeps me from doing so- many interruptions, computer errors, and my own self now becoming an obstacle! Earlier I felt at peace and twice I stopped and realized someone was praying for me. I am very thankful for that person and the profound sense of peace they brought to me. I will try to put into words once again the loneliness but many things come out and I try to get to the point without writing a book. Do I even know myself what I meant? It is like trying to untangle a tangleweed. I just wanted it to end. To find a way to end it or receive some validation that I was ok, or even an explanation from a spiritual standpoint. The peace, ah the peace of earlier today. I miss the peace as it has fled again and my brain feels so sore as I try to think.
Yes, I have a holy longing that makes me wish I could be swept up into Jesus arms and never leave, for my little soul to fly up into heaven and be united with Him who makes my heart feel it will burst. I say to you honestly that I actually feel my heart hurting physically at times when I love Him and when I desire Him in longing. I have wondered if I do something to bring about this effect but I do not believe I do. Of course, I assume so many others also love HIm this much for who could not really if they knew Him? I try to seek the Lord with my whole heart and soul. I am afraid to say that aloud to you as a true statement, as I know I fail miserably. I suppose many feel they do fail- but with humbleness I would like to admit that I do fail miserably and that you will believe me. I wish I could love more purely, more selflessly, to love more and to sin less and to have more patience. I asked Jesus to please place within me His heart to love with instead, but I do feel the littleness and weakness of my own.
I feel I do nothing for God. I offer to suffer but I am not bedridden or anything extraordinary. I have aches and pains and allergies and am beset by constantly trying to martyr my ways which I find hard and painful. I am yet far from being a saint. I love Him quite imperfectly. I have no talents and I can't even say I am seeing great results from my parenting. I pray I am a good parent but worry I will fail the Lord or worse that my children may by free will renounce their eternal reward. Why would the Lord need someone who is nothing, not even good at using His graces, to love Him? There are many better to love Him than I.
I find myself quite easily annoyed and desire to have more time alone or at least silence so my mind might be with Him continually. I am quite ungrateful and many times feel unhappy and God has answered every prayer of mine- I have exactly everything I ever wanted from life and can remember the instances from my childhood even, when I had prayed for what I have now. I am a parent of 3 and I am blessed with a tiny house which I love but I also find nowhere to be alone. So I am not alone. My spouse is away working long hours most of the time and tired the rest, very internal and closed off. So, while I am not alone, I was feeling lonely, sad, like no-one shares what is in my heart and I sometimes long for that connection although I know only God can really fill it. I read in your blog how God lead you away from people and believe that He did with me also. I have been here in Nazareth for years, becoming more hidden away (by His doing I thought) and quite happy to be His alone. But then this feeling of loneliness (which I have had before but not in this proportion) made me start to question if I might be wrong.
The loneliness seemed to reach an epic level. It was as if it were thundering in my head out loud. I was worried I might even go crazy which is hugely embarassing to admit. I have been having headaches also. I felt like there was this great silence but so audibly loud. Like when one puts a seashell to their ear and can hear the ocean. Amidst so many people in a tiny home it made the loneliness even more obvious to me. I am now afraid that maybe I imagined it for how can one hear the loneliness? But no, I believe it was as I say and I was beginning to have nightmares also. I have become very confused with it all. I just longed to feel safe and secure again, including feeling some kind of fellowship with another soul, someone to just uplift me even for a few minutes, maybe laugh a little and be done with it. I realized I am not physically alone but very emotionally alone except for Jesus.
At first I wondered if Jesus had felt this pain of loneliness also. Going among the crowds but inside feeling sad and alone in His heart. Maybe He gave me a great grace to feel a little of what He did? (Or maybe my pride would like to think so I thought to myself) Maybe I was suffering for someone who was lonely? Maybe my faith was being tested? These I would have gladly embraced. But then in came thoughts like why don't I appreciate my wonderful life? How long can I keep giving while feeling like I am running on empty myself? Selfishness- when is it my turn to have what I want instead of doing for everyone else? (this rears it's ugly head quite often now) What do I want? Why can't I be alone to pray in silence? Did Jesus bring me to this aloneness or was it of my own accord? Have I perhaps used Jesus as a crutch? Do I desire to be little and hidden because of love or is it because I am hiding? Why am I all alone- the only one about who seems to seek Him? Can't I have Him and a "regular life" too? Why all around me are people going out, visiting, having social lives? Maybe I am abnormal not religious? Why aren't I at least productive? I really have nothing to show for myself. Shouldn't I be doing something? I could hear echoes of words from my own family even (which hurt the most) of how I am a little quirky, how I don't even know the world because I don't have a real life in it, that people who spend time alone go crazy and become unsocialized. Maybe they were right? What if they were? Did I want to console Jesus and be His alone or am I consoling myself? Am I finally losing it because I am a social island?
I do not have a spiritual director and no-one to talk with about the spiritual life. I do feel worried to rely on my own self. I enjoy reading your blog because I have some connection to another soul who is like minded. I am still a bit worried though why I am beset with these doubts. Is it not enough to grow where I am planted? Shouldn't I be even more filled than those who have no faith? If I have Jesus than why am I running on empty? This one really nags at me now. I really dislike the many doubts roaring within my ears. I don't mind what others may think but I do care what He thinks. One great fear is I have deceived myself about thinking I am to be so hidden and that He wants me to be. Maybe it will be my downfall. When I try to pray over it I get a terrible headache and can't think- like my brain is a muddy puddle where clear water used to be. And I am afraid to tell even you because I am worried I will perhaps make my soul appear to be something it's not, or maybe somehow I am deceiving you by not explaining it correctly and I don't even know myself why I have a problem.
Well, that is the novel that is my life! Or maybe an unloading! I picture you praying and being alone, attending mass, reading, and now singing love songs from your harp. Though I know it is not all roses, I worry that I am falling where you are walking faithfully along. Have I lost my faithfulness if I am so overwhelmed? Am I just putting a magnifying glass over things that don't need it? What to do when the minutes creep by and I feel as if I will never make it thru the day let alone a lifetime? Well, I definitely need prayer right now.
God bless and thank you for your prayers, they bring me much peace. When I read how you will sing and learn the harp for Jesus I smiled and I pictured His face lit up with joy at being loved so much. Your friend in Christ...
Dear Dreaming of the Beloved,
I find your expression of yearning and sense of aloneness to be very apt, as we do go through these phases (and go through them over and over in different circumstances and degrees!). Tomorrow, I could awaken and feel that yearning! There is much that you write, but for now I will simply post it and ponder, as I think I have a more clear understanding of your situation, and of the desires of your heart--and yet the clarity from you in later comments, that you have the situation in hand!
Yours is a sensitive and loving and beautiful soul! You are blessed! Surely, with the yearning, the Lord will not disappoint you, when He desires and determines to bring you to the fulfillment of your dreams!
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